Moving To New Address

I'm in the process of moving this blog to Wordpress. The new address will be http://piedpatter.wordpress.com. Really like the options. I'll keep you posted. Thanks!

Obama Charity Case

Sidwell Friends, school to President's daughters, had their annual fund raising auction this year. Many eagerly anticipated what the Obama's might be auctioning, remembering full well the generosity of the Clinton's in times past. A round of golf with Bill brought in nearly six figures. A night in the Lincoln Bedroom, nearly $500,000 dollars. The Clinton's are fondly remembered as very generous and giving of themselves for money. So one can understand the complete and utter disappointment when all the Obama's ponied up were a signed Rolling Stone and Vogue Magazine. Stagering to think what that must have set them back. One attendee who wished to remain anonymous because her husband is Rahm Emmanuel, said she was expecting a more personal gift, like Hillary's hairclip that went for $8000. What the Obama's lacked however, one royal guest more than made up for. The Queen of England's IPod fetched a handsome $30,000.

Hell Hath No Fury Like White American Women Scorned

I have to credit Frank J. at IMAO for the article. I found it on his site. Great blog.

Apparently what really irritates the Taliban more than blowing them up, kicking them out of their country and driving back under the rocks they crawled out from, is women. Not just any women, White American Women who travel 20,000 miles to help kill them. This understanding was the impetus for a joint RFP (request for proposal) that was put out in an effort to procure more White American Women, or WAW's. Prototypes have been assembled and are ready for competition. Boeing, the aeronautics giant, partnered with L.L. Bean and Lancome, has come up with what they consider a very formidable WAW combatant, complete with layered BDU, a new lightweight, compact RPG launcher that can be worn as an accessory or folded to fit in a matching satchel, and exploding lipstick. This WAW also comes with a Mother's Child In Mortal Danger Option, that when activated turns the WAW into a reflexively lethal killing machine. So much so, many engineers have died while performing live trials with this feature activated.

Also competing is Team Lockheed, who partnered with The Gap, and Coach. They have proposed a WAW combatant that features sensible lightweight matching body armour and helmet, with rhinestone studded blow torch and jewel toned grenades. This WAW also has an Historical Topic Repeat Button and Grudge Actuator, HTRB/AG, option. That when employed will result in a WAW that can instantly bring up everything that ever hurt or angered her, going all the way back to childhood if necessary, and then she will absolutely not, under any circumstances relent from telling the enemy just how bad that made the her feel. Recent live trials of this feature have been very successful. The HTRB/GA was able to stay active for 17 hours. Far exceeding the required 12 hour threshold. Team Lockheed spokesperson said the live trials demonstrate conclusively the power and stamina of an angry woman.

This was a much needed success for Lockheed. The initial live trial resulted in the WAW getting so angry at trial engineers she perceived were ignoring her, she fired several rounds into the testing equipment and took an ax to one engineer's '97 Mustang. Lockheed has made a public statement apologizing for the damage and has since reconfigured the Enemy Identification variable so the WAW only attacks the enemy.

A selection decision is scheduled for late summer. The GAO, who has been closely following the program, says the only challenge for the awarded team will be to keep it on schedule and on budget. Both teams have addressed this issue by implementing checks and balances to keep the WAW on track. Boeing put into place an Advance The Time Line One Month To Ensure Timely Production process, which, simply put, is a time line that's moved up by a month to trick the engineers into thinking they have less time than they really do. The hope is that they will finish early.

So far everything has gone according to schedule. Both Boeing and Lockheed feel they have an excellent shot at winning the award. One thing they both have going for them is what one team member calls, Ingrained Patriotism and Devotion to Duty, something that occurs in WAW's naturally. Apparently what makes WAW such a hostile adversary is the degree to which they love their country and hate religious lunatics that want to harm their families. Both teams agree the Patriotic/Devotion variable is the engine that drives the WAW into harms way, to mercilessly batter the enemy with ceaseless talking, just before she shoots them.

Obama Cures Insomnia

Obama, credited with healing the sick, raising the dead, solving Einstein's Theory of Everything, and teaching dolphins to speak, has done yet another amazing thing. He was able, where modern medicine has failed, to put his staffer Larry Summers into a deep sleep. Obama was in the middle of a staff meeting when he was silently alerted to his accomplishment. Smiling, as a father unto his weary beleaguered son, Obama quitely left the room and returned with a multi-colored Obama throw, hand knit by Nairobi school children, and placed it gently over Summers slumbering body. He then said with hushed voice, "Shhhh....." signalling for everyone to get up quietly and exit the room. When asked later about how he achieved this amazing feat, Obama humbly replied, "I have been doing incredible things for so long I don't even have to think about it and it happens. I gave a blind man his sight back yesterday just by running him over in a cross walk with one of the SUV's in my security detail. His sight back! Can you believe it?" Summers, who was allowed to sleep uninterrupted for the duration of the meeting, woke feeling well rested. He later commented to a colleague, "That was the best sleep I've had in a long time. Obama is truly amazing, he can put anyone to sleep."

Rabbit Trail...

The likelihood of a car pulling around another car trying to turn left, is indirectly related to the number of stuffed animals in the back window.

Good Question.....

An article in the The Jerusalem Post speaks candidly about Obama's girl-like giddiness towards oppressive leaders like Chavez, Fidel, and the king of Saudi Arabia. The author, Shmuley Boteach, admits that while liking Obama, he is concerned about how far the President's friendliness towards freedom hating dictators will go. Obama is seen all over the news smiling at Chavez, bowing to the King of Saudia Arabia, and giving the Lincoln Memorial's mascot Cuddles to Castro.

Which Castro immediately shaved and put to work. True story.
But the article brings up a really good question, how oppressive does a leader have to be, to be unworthy of an Obama hug? So I asked the White House office on All Things Obama for an official answer to the question. Here is what they released.

The President does not and has never knowingly smiled at, bowed to, or given a Portugese Water dog to any world leader that oppresses or murders their own people. The President wants to make very clear the standard level of oppressiveness or murderousness a leader must possess to not merit a smile, bow, or puppy is as follows:

1. Leaders who said nice things about President Bush.

2. Any leader who questions the absolute science behind global warming.

3. Leaders with signed copies of Dutch, Blackhawk Down, or America: The Last Best Hope by Bill Benet.

4. Any leader of a country possessing a statue of Reagan is automatically off the hug list and is on probation for the half-smile head-nod list.

5. The former leader of Australia for suggesting we should not use our financial institutions to socially engineer our society. The President has never said so publically, but that really hurt his feelings.

6. Leaders who didn't get the President anything for his historic election to office. Poland, you know who you are.

7. Leaders of developing nations whose primary concern is feeding their people and steming the rapid transmission of AIDS to women and children, but fail to meet strict carbon offset standards. The President, although sympathetic, will not knowingly hug that leader.

Robot Takeover, Not likely

Scientists are saying that robots are getting more humanlike every day and that the gap between humans and robots is narrowing. The line between bot and body is getting blurry. What started out as a creepy way for lonely Japanese men to get girls has now turned into a real growth industry. If there's a need, there's probably a robot that can meet it, and if not, be sure some sad robotics enginerd wearing a "Baltar for President" tee shirt is working on it. I can appreciate that robots are getting more life-like in manner but I heartily disagree with the idea that they will ever take our place. First and only reason, Asimov's three laws of robotics. Asimov in his brilliantism could foresee a day when robots might try to take over, so he created three laws to stop any possibility of a robot plot to destroy us. So far it's working. No robot takeovers. Also, if they're so smart and human-like why is this robot answering a banana?
Silly robot.

New Polling Stats

A recent poll says 1 in 3 kids fear the apocalypse. But I guess that's ok because another poll said 1 in 3 pollsters fear kids. Which is also true, 7 out of 5 people know that.

Cheatin' Chinese

China stole terabytes (that's like a whole lot) of Joint Strike Fighter code off Lockheed Martin servers recently. The Chinese deny it was them, of course they're lying. Every one knows they want really cool military stuff like us. They whine about it daily in the news, and every time they try to build something on their own it sucks, so naturally they resort to stealing. I think I'd respect them a microscopic amount more if they just admit they're thieves.

U.S.: We know you stole our Joint Strike Fighter info, be a man, admit it.

China: We stole nothing. You wrong. Maybe it North Korea. Kim Jong Il hate you.

U.S.: We know it was you. Our techs traced it back to you.

China: Impossible! We are untraceable!

U.S.: So you admit you stole our stuff?

China: We admit nothing! North Korea did it.

U.S.: Right, it was you.

In a related story China has launched a massive international IT hiring campaign.

The World As I See It.....

Unless these Somali skiff jockey's start manning up to their claims to be pirates, their status should be revoked. Pirates don't have mothers begging for their lives. Pirates don't have mothers, fact. Also, pirates don't wear DQ soft serve looking rags on their heads, they wear torn puffy shirts and eye patches. Last fact, pirates do not come from Somalia. That has never been the case, I looked it up. So let's just go back to what we were calling them, terrorists, and let real pirates have their dignity back.