Moving To New Address

I'm in the process of moving this blog to Wordpress. The new address will be http://piedpatter.wordpress.com. Really like the options. I'll keep you posted. Thanks!

Obama Charity Case

Sidwell Friends, school to President's daughters, had their annual fund raising auction this year. Many eagerly anticipated what the Obama's might be auctioning, remembering full well the generosity of the Clinton's in times past. A round of golf with Bill brought in nearly six figures. A night in the Lincoln Bedroom, nearly $500,000 dollars. The Clinton's are fondly remembered as very generous and giving of themselves for money. So one can understand the complete and utter disappointment when all the Obama's ponied up were a signed Rolling Stone and Vogue Magazine. Stagering to think what that must have set them back. One attendee who wished to remain anonymous because her husband is Rahm Emmanuel, said she was expecting a more personal gift, like Hillary's hairclip that went for $8000. What the Obama's lacked however, one royal guest more than made up for. The Queen of England's IPod fetched a handsome $30,000.

Hell Hath No Fury Like White American Women Scorned

I have to credit Frank J. at IMAO for the article. I found it on his site. Great blog.

Apparently what really irritates the Taliban more than blowing them up, kicking them out of their country and driving back under the rocks they crawled out from, is women. Not just any women, White American Women who travel 20,000 miles to help kill them. This understanding was the impetus for a joint RFP (request for proposal) that was put out in an effort to procure more White American Women, or WAW's. Prototypes have been assembled and are ready for competition. Boeing, the aeronautics giant, partnered with L.L. Bean and Lancome, has come up with what they consider a very formidable WAW combatant, complete with layered BDU, a new lightweight, compact RPG launcher that can be worn as an accessory or folded to fit in a matching satchel, and exploding lipstick. This WAW also comes with a Mother's Child In Mortal Danger Option, that when activated turns the WAW into a reflexively lethal killing machine. So much so, many engineers have died while performing live trials with this feature activated.

Also competing is Team Lockheed, who partnered with The Gap, and Coach. They have proposed a WAW combatant that features sensible lightweight matching body armour and helmet, with rhinestone studded blow torch and jewel toned grenades. This WAW also has an Historical Topic Repeat Button and Grudge Actuator, HTRB/AG, option. That when employed will result in a WAW that can instantly bring up everything that ever hurt or angered her, going all the way back to childhood if necessary, and then she will absolutely not, under any circumstances relent from telling the enemy just how bad that made the her feel. Recent live trials of this feature have been very successful. The HTRB/GA was able to stay active for 17 hours. Far exceeding the required 12 hour threshold. Team Lockheed spokesperson said the live trials demonstrate conclusively the power and stamina of an angry woman.

This was a much needed success for Lockheed. The initial live trial resulted in the WAW getting so angry at trial engineers she perceived were ignoring her, she fired several rounds into the testing equipment and took an ax to one engineer's '97 Mustang. Lockheed has made a public statement apologizing for the damage and has since reconfigured the Enemy Identification variable so the WAW only attacks the enemy.

A selection decision is scheduled for late summer. The GAO, who has been closely following the program, says the only challenge for the awarded team will be to keep it on schedule and on budget. Both teams have addressed this issue by implementing checks and balances to keep the WAW on track. Boeing put into place an Advance The Time Line One Month To Ensure Timely Production process, which, simply put, is a time line that's moved up by a month to trick the engineers into thinking they have less time than they really do. The hope is that they will finish early.

So far everything has gone according to schedule. Both Boeing and Lockheed feel they have an excellent shot at winning the award. One thing they both have going for them is what one team member calls, Ingrained Patriotism and Devotion to Duty, something that occurs in WAW's naturally. Apparently what makes WAW such a hostile adversary is the degree to which they love their country and hate religious lunatics that want to harm their families. Both teams agree the Patriotic/Devotion variable is the engine that drives the WAW into harms way, to mercilessly batter the enemy with ceaseless talking, just before she shoots them.

Obama Cures Insomnia

Obama, credited with healing the sick, raising the dead, solving Einstein's Theory of Everything, and teaching dolphins to speak, has done yet another amazing thing. He was able, where modern medicine has failed, to put his staffer Larry Summers into a deep sleep. Obama was in the middle of a staff meeting when he was silently alerted to his accomplishment. Smiling, as a father unto his weary beleaguered son, Obama quitely left the room and returned with a multi-colored Obama throw, hand knit by Nairobi school children, and placed it gently over Summers slumbering body. He then said with hushed voice, "Shhhh....." signalling for everyone to get up quietly and exit the room. When asked later about how he achieved this amazing feat, Obama humbly replied, "I have been doing incredible things for so long I don't even have to think about it and it happens. I gave a blind man his sight back yesterday just by running him over in a cross walk with one of the SUV's in my security detail. His sight back! Can you believe it?" Summers, who was allowed to sleep uninterrupted for the duration of the meeting, woke feeling well rested. He later commented to a colleague, "That was the best sleep I've had in a long time. Obama is truly amazing, he can put anyone to sleep."

Rabbit Trail...

The likelihood of a car pulling around another car trying to turn left, is indirectly related to the number of stuffed animals in the back window.

Good Question.....

An article in the The Jerusalem Post speaks candidly about Obama's girl-like giddiness towards oppressive leaders like Chavez, Fidel, and the king of Saudi Arabia. The author, Shmuley Boteach, admits that while liking Obama, he is concerned about how far the President's friendliness towards freedom hating dictators will go. Obama is seen all over the news smiling at Chavez, bowing to the King of Saudia Arabia, and giving the Lincoln Memorial's mascot Cuddles to Castro.

Which Castro immediately shaved and put to work. True story.
But the article brings up a really good question, how oppressive does a leader have to be, to be unworthy of an Obama hug? So I asked the White House office on All Things Obama for an official answer to the question. Here is what they released.

The President does not and has never knowingly smiled at, bowed to, or given a Portugese Water dog to any world leader that oppresses or murders their own people. The President wants to make very clear the standard level of oppressiveness or murderousness a leader must possess to not merit a smile, bow, or puppy is as follows:

1. Leaders who said nice things about President Bush.

2. Any leader who questions the absolute science behind global warming.

3. Leaders with signed copies of Dutch, Blackhawk Down, or America: The Last Best Hope by Bill Benet.

4. Any leader of a country possessing a statue of Reagan is automatically off the hug list and is on probation for the half-smile head-nod list.

5. The former leader of Australia for suggesting we should not use our financial institutions to socially engineer our society. The President has never said so publically, but that really hurt his feelings.

6. Leaders who didn't get the President anything for his historic election to office. Poland, you know who you are.

7. Leaders of developing nations whose primary concern is feeding their people and steming the rapid transmission of AIDS to women and children, but fail to meet strict carbon offset standards. The President, although sympathetic, will not knowingly hug that leader.

Robot Takeover, Not likely

Scientists are saying that robots are getting more humanlike every day and that the gap between humans and robots is narrowing. The line between bot and body is getting blurry. What started out as a creepy way for lonely Japanese men to get girls has now turned into a real growth industry. If there's a need, there's probably a robot that can meet it, and if not, be sure some sad robotics enginerd wearing a "Baltar for President" tee shirt is working on it. I can appreciate that robots are getting more life-like in manner but I heartily disagree with the idea that they will ever take our place. First and only reason, Asimov's three laws of robotics. Asimov in his brilliantism could foresee a day when robots might try to take over, so he created three laws to stop any possibility of a robot plot to destroy us. So far it's working. No robot takeovers. Also, if they're so smart and human-like why is this robot answering a banana?
Silly robot.

New Polling Stats

A recent poll says 1 in 3 kids fear the apocalypse. But I guess that's ok because another poll said 1 in 3 pollsters fear kids. Which is also true, 7 out of 5 people know that.

Cheatin' Chinese

China stole terabytes (that's like a whole lot) of Joint Strike Fighter code off Lockheed Martin servers recently. The Chinese deny it was them, of course they're lying. Every one knows they want really cool military stuff like us. They whine about it daily in the news, and every time they try to build something on their own it sucks, so naturally they resort to stealing. I think I'd respect them a microscopic amount more if they just admit they're thieves.

U.S.: We know you stole our Joint Strike Fighter info, be a man, admit it.

China: We stole nothing. You wrong. Maybe it North Korea. Kim Jong Il hate you.

U.S.: We know it was you. Our techs traced it back to you.

China: Impossible! We are untraceable!

U.S.: So you admit you stole our stuff?

China: We admit nothing! North Korea did it.

U.S.: Right, it was you.

In a related story China has launched a massive international IT hiring campaign.

The World As I See It.....

Unless these Somali skiff jockey's start manning up to their claims to be pirates, their status should be revoked. Pirates don't have mothers begging for their lives. Pirates don't have mothers, fact. Also, pirates don't wear DQ soft serve looking rags on their heads, they wear torn puffy shirts and eye patches. Last fact, pirates do not come from Somalia. That has never been the case, I looked it up. So let's just go back to what we were calling them, terrorists, and let real pirates have their dignity back.

Pirates Freed

This is ridiculous. Pirates freed because of a technicality? And what do you mean we can't attack pirates unless they attack us?! Somewhere in hell Blackbeard is weeping. You're supposed to kill pirates on sight. That's what you do. It keeps the tradition of pirating pure and decent. You don't try pirates! It wrecks the whole thing.

Obama's New Book Series

The people at Crown Publishing Group have decided to publish a new book series by Barack Obama. Clearly wanting to capitalize on the new Presidents popularity before the general public realizes what they've elected, Crown is hoping the series turns a massive profit and kills more trees, publishers hate trees. The Group, responsible for Obama's other two hardbacks entitled, The Audacity of Hope and Dreams of My Father, will be releasing the three book series all at the same time. The titles include, The Audacity of My Fathers Dreams, Hope My Audacity Can Father, and The Father of All Audacity.

Cindy Willowhead, a spokesperson for Crown Publishing Group, said in a recent press conference, "We are very excited about this new series by Barack Obama's two other books." When asked if she really meant to say that Obama's two other books wrote the series, Willowhead replied, "Yes, it's very simple, we've taken all the words from his other two books, mixed them up, slapped covers on them, and called it a new series. They are beautiful, pure poetry." Clearly hopped up on hippie lettuce, Willowhead had this to say, "Obama's words are so powerful that it doesn't matter what order you put them in, they will be meaningful, move the masses, and make a buttload of money." To prove her point she read an excerpt from The Audacity of My Fathers Dreams:

Will the word hope not me do what daddy far long cry done. Audacity not be man child decent way the from coming book heart blood? Said summer twenty-first, "Not stranger small, much heavy wolf long concerned!" Jump had gate race full summer hot still. Reason please found find exchange mad self store ascent.

Many wept. Two journalists and several onlookers received medical treatment for uncontrollable sobbing. One man jumped out a second story window, and a Fox news correspondent was flogged and beaten after he asked Willowhead what the passage meant.

Crazy Bristish Lady

A 60 year old British woman is fulfilling her lifelong dream of riding a horse from Beijing to London for the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony. Which begs the question, LONDON is hosting the Olympics? Where exactly are they going to put it? Has the Olympic selection committee even been to London? There's no room! Anyhow, the horse lady says she's doing the ride for charity, but then that's what all crazy ladies say when they want to do something insane like ride a horse across Asia. The 5000 mile horseback ride will be made with two other Chinese guys who are using the trek as an excuse to get the heck out of China without going to jail. I guess they promised they'd come back or something. Realize that this is a three year long horse ride. I once rode a horse for three hours and couldn't sit for a week. I'm just gonna cut right to why this is a bad idea.

1. She will go through no less than 4 horses just getting out of Beijing alone, what with traffic, getting lost, pollution and people who eat horses.

2. Horse failure. In all likelihood the horse will just give up and die. Like a rabbit who can die on command once caught by a predator, so will the horse once it understands it's been forever and they haven't turned around to go home, the trip will never end, best just to die now.

3. Samurai Horse Thieves. China's lousy with them. This could end up being a real short horse ride and real long walk if she's not careful.

4. Saddle waddle. Think about it. She'll never walk the same again.

5. Boredom. Requires no explanation.

6. Cabin Fever. Usually associated with long ship voyages, it is easily applied here as well. After a while, I would hate anyone I had to be with non-stop for three years on a horse. I would probably even hate the horse too.

Keep the Bar Low

I have a goal, it's to keep my kids thinking that normal birthdays are thrown together at the last minute and the only themes are stars and balloons because that's what Safeway's paper plates have on them. Before you judge, this has been working for years. I have three kids, and you'd be amazed at how often birthday's pop up in our family. My luck, however, is running out. My oldest son is now getting a taste of what other kids do for their birthdays, thank you public school system. So far he's been invited to a movie party, a Tai Kwan Do party and an Inflatable Bouncy Adventure party. As of yet he hasn't questioned why his birthday's have all sucked up till now, but I can tell he's thinking about it. He's getting ideas for his next party. Things like Lego themes and who he's gonna invite, and all I can think is this sounds expensive. I am working on what I'm going to say if he asks for some kind of "theme" party. "Hey that sounds great, when the Lego store is free, then we can have a party," or "OK we can have a party at the bowling alley, but we have to sell all your toys first," or "I have an idea, no!" I think that last one is my favorite. Gets right to the point. No sense in giving him hope. A good rule of thumb, always keep expectations really really low.

Somali Prime Minister Wants Money

The prime minister of Somalia Omar something Ali something said they know who the pirates are, what they're doing with all the stolen money, where they're located, their favorite colors and he would be willing to give us all that info if we give him money. Now how is THAT not piracy. We should declare him a pirate, wait till he gets on a boat and then blow it up. Here's an idea, we pay you nothing and maybe we won't make your head explode with our minds like in Scanners.

Questions to Ask If You Are a Hooker Advertising on Craigslist

Prostitutes advertising their services on Craigslist now have one more thing to worry about other than some dude sending them a photo of a really hot guy whose not him. There is some lunatic serial murderer prowling the sex trade ads looking for victims. Now, the simple solution would seem to be don't advertise on Craigslist. But that's stupid, a person cannot possibly be expected to pass up free advertising to millions of people just because there's a really good chance they'll be made dead. That's nonsense. So now what should a "professional" do to avoid being hideously murdered? I've come up with a list of questions to ask the John before you meet him in a dark secluded place miles from nowhere to give him a lap dance before you die.

1. Are you the Craigslist killer? Just get that one right out of the way first. If he says no, he might be lying so you'll have to follow up with some other questions to catch him.

2. What are your hobbies? If he says knives, cutting people, hiding in bushes, making clothes out of human skin, stuffing bodies in 55 gallon drums, or the like, do not meet him. He will probably murder you. Caring for the elderly, hugging puppies, having a good cry, are all exceptable, however, he's probably gay.

3. Do you like your mother? My mother was an unloving coldblooded snake, I hate my mother, I killed my mother, are all "red flag" answers. Chances are he will at some point start confusing you with his twisted mother and kill you. Most likely after he's forced you at knife point to dress like June Cleaver and make him pancakes.

4. Why are we going to an abandoned warehouse to meet? So no one can hear you scream, Clean up's a breeze, I like to be naked when I murder people.... Again, anything like these means you will end up dead, and not pretty dead like a princess who died in her big princess bed from heartbreak over the loss of her love kind of dead, no you'll be ugly dead, like Jack the Ripper dead (google it if you are unsmart and don't know who that is, and how is that possible you're a hooker? Jack the Ripper is like a hookers Stonewall, go google that one too dummy, you definitely won't know that reference).

5. When you say you collect feet, do you mean shoes? Um yeah... that's what I meant, Sort of..., No I mean human feet, are all unacceptable answers. Do not meet this guy unless you just have to have your feet cut off. Or you are too poor to buy shoes and see this as a good alternative.

6. Is Jeffery Ripper Bundy your real name? No it's my spy name, Yes my dead mom was a big history buff, I want to meet you so I can carve my initials into your face, all mean he wants to cut you into little tiny bite size piece and feed you to his pet boa constrictor Cuddles.

7. What's the duct tape for? I want to show you my skills, Just in case, To immobilize you while I sacrifice you to the Moon goddess... only then will I become transformed into a powerful wizard dragon and complete my awakening, ok you will not want to meet any guys giving these answers, you also might want to change your name and move to a different town. He's probably watching you from the bushes outside your window. Also, any guy who makes you bring the stuff he needs to murder you, means he cheap and won't pay.

Navy Awesomeness

"Not only will they shoot you dead from the fantail of a destroyer while you're in a life raft in choppy seas.... they'll do it at night.... on Easter Sunday."

Correction

I am correcting left-wing extremist photograph. After getting a lot of nasmy pamsy arguments about how the alien is freakin awesome and way more better than left-wing extremists, I've had to concede to their well formed arguments . The namsy's are right, the alien is freakin awesome. So I've decided to update my photo of what a left wing extremist looks like.


Answer:



The Village People.


My apologies to the alien. Please don't rip off my limbs and leave me half alive so you can use my body as a host organism for baby aliens. Thank you.

Whose The Extremist?

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has been standing by her report that there are right-wing extremists in our country and they might be really really mean to liberals at some point in the future, or something to that effect, I just read the headlines. Anyhow, it got me thinking,what does a right wing extremist look like?

Answer:


James Bond. Good looking, smart, nice car, and he's not afraid to kill people that need it.




So what does a left-wing extremist look like?

Answer:




The alien. A creature so hostile it can live in space and bleeds acid.





So now what kind of person accuses James Bond of being a terrorist?


Answer:



A militant gun toting lesbian.

Change Gitmo Can't Believe In

Gitmo prisoner says nothing's changed since Obama took office. He still gets beaten, roughed up,a and called mean hurtful names (big baby). In Obama's defense, the President is too busy not doing anything about pirates and the economy. He's only one man, he simply can't not do anything about everything at once. But don't worry little fella, give him some time and he'll not do anything about you too.

Flowers For Baghdad

Iraq is holding it's first annual flower show. And the liberals say the surge didn't work. HA! Nothing says peace like a flower show. Bush is completely vindicated, they should call it the Bush Got Rid Of That Murdering Dictator Hussein And Now We Can Have A Proper Flower Show, Not Like That Crap Weed Show We Use To Have That Was Really Just Dandelions And Crab Grass show. Or they could just hang a Mission Accomplished banner up and be grateful flowers even grow in their once God forsaken country.

Rabbit Trail...

Is it me or does Castro look like Woody Allen?

Politically Correct Pirate Names

In keeping with last months policy to change the Bushian phrase, Global War On Terror, which makes people feel icky and hateful towards the misunderstood and disenfranchised terrorists, to Overseas Contingency Operation, which makes people feel nothing, the Obama administration will probably change the fear mongering term "pirates" into something more fluffy and MSNBCish. Here's the list thus far:

1. Unorthodox Barterers
2. Somali Navy
3. Victims
4. Santa's Little Helpers
5. Somali Delegation of Merchant Vessel Acquisitions Experts
6. Vocationally Challenged Undocumented Sea Re-allocators
7. Used-Ship Salesmen
8. Allah and the Midnight Visitors
9. Unfriendly Surprise Guests
10. Sneaky Sailors

Dolphins Are Communists!

It is widely known that I hate dolphins. They're the jerks of the ocean. I have friends who love them, in a weird unnatural unicorn kind of way. They cry big buckets of tears about how dolphins are soooo intelligent (if they're so smart why can't they avoid tuna nets?) loving mammal fish, I'm wrong, and why don't I just shut up about the dolphin? Well HA, now I have indisputable proof that dolphins are in fact agents of the Chinese government operating in international waters helping the PLAN protect Chinese vessels from pirates. Photographic evidence documents a pod of tuna bait "magically" appearing as if by magic to cut off suspected pirates from a Chinese merchant vessel. The pirates were unable to break through the dolphin strong hold so they gave up and went back to their secret pirate cove. I was right, now I am properly vindicated for my utter dislike of dolphins. They are communists. I'm gettin' the message out. DOLPHINS ARE COMMIE LOVERS! Trust them no more.

On a related topic. What kind of pirate gives up at the sight of dolphins? When did dolphins become such a scary threat? This is good. The next time our navy is faced with a pirate/hostage situation save the bullets and just chuck dolphins at them. That works pretty well.

Pakistan's Implosion

Pakistan has only a few months to live before it implodes and becomes the mother of all rogue states. Which I thought had already happened. So the shock didn't come until I read the Obama solution, or Obamalution, should this disaster actually occur. The answer, build a regional compact with Russia, Iran, and China. I know!!! Hmmmm.... let's see, what are, "Three countries who publicly hate us?" This plan was obviously contrived during a bad case of ganoobies. Then I read that pot growth is up 60% this year. Ah ha, now it makes sense. Foreign policy decisions are clearly being made while smoking the happy stick. Why else would anyone come up with a plan to invite Russia, China, and Iran for a cuddle fest? I wonder what the invitation will look like......

Get Ready For Slumber Fun!!!

You are cordially invited to a very special foreign policy party, hosted by the U.S. It's sure to be a fun filled evening of facials, tickle fights (not too hard Iran, remember fun means not killing),

and terrorist talks.

Bring your favorite slippers as we prepare to prevent the meltdown of Pakistan!

You are welcome to bring one military adviser to the event, as space in the President’s suite at the Intercon Cairo is limited.

As requested, pony rides will be available.

Hope to see you there!

Socialism, it's what Hitler tried....

According to a recent Rasmussen poll, only 53% of 1000 Americans polled prefer capitalism to socialism. It got me thinking, maybe that's because the other 47% don't know what socialism really is. They may not be aware that it was exactly what Hitler tried back in the 1930's. Look how stunningly successful that turned out. That in mind, I thought it might be helpful to those 470 individuals whose answer is more scary than anything else, to educate them on precisely what socialism is not.

1. Socialism is not warm puppies licking your face.
2. Socialism is not Obama dressed as Santa paying your mortgage.. (not yet, anyway).
3. Socialism is not a land of ponies. Ponies die in socialism because it makes them sad.
4. It's not being able to buy anything you worked really hard for ever again. You now get to work really hard and not be able to buy anything. See how fun that is.
5. It's not having a say in how your government is run. You are too stupid to draw your name in the mud with a stick, let alone run the government. Don't embarrass yourself by trying.
6. Socialism is not every child receiving a better education. (pause for laugh) Your child will now receive less education for more money. As if that were even possible.
7. Socialism is not everyone having the opportunity to succeed. No one gets to succeed. That's what makes it so fair.
8. Socialism is not every man is equal. No, you are now on the same level as sea cucumbers and redwood trees, a.k.a. the environment. There is a lottery held every year to see which one of you will go.

It' Me

I like writing about my kids because I love them and I think they're quite possibly the most interesting topic on the planet. Also, I learn a lot from being around them, mostly that I suck and need to grow up. Today's lesson, it's not them, it's me.

My two oldest kids, while on Easter break had been attending Art Camp at the community center. At the end of the week they had an Art Show which displayed all the awesome art the kids had been working on all week. Naturally my children were lightyears ahead in both skill and composition. Seriously, they were brilliant. Pastel chalk impressionist landscapes that would make Monet cry.

I digress.

While viewing the masterpieces, in a room packed with kids and parents, the instructor came up and told my husband and me how helpful, Max, my oldest was in class. He was a great line leader (of course) and helped get all the children organized with supplies and whatnot in class. She then continued on telling us how Sofia had mastered the difficulty of going from painting on her hands to painting on paper. (She is truly a free spirit and completely unfettered by what anyone else thinks. It's cute and challenging all at the same time.) The instructor finished complimenting our children's behavior and artistic skills and then moved on to, I presume to console the other parents whose kids artwork looked like blind retarded monkeys did it.

I was very proud of my children and how well they were doing, and people who watch them in church or school activities are usually very complimentary about their behavior, but in the back of my head I always wonder, "Who are they talking about? My kids don't sit and listen, or help if they can possibly get out of it." As parents, my husband and I are both agreed, our kids are the best kids ever, but we also know what they are capable of becoming without strict environmental controls. So as I pondered when aliens could have possibly abducted my children, replaced them with well mannered exact replica's, then re-replaced them back in the art class without being noticed, the logistics of which had to be a nightmare, it dawned on me. More like landed on my head with a thud! The one common denomenator for my kids bad behavior is me. I am the constant for the majority of their shananigans. This is a real revelation for a parent. It says a lot about how I'm raising my kids, and more about what they think of me. Some of which is good, for example, kids do need a safe place they can take their bad stuff. It's in that safe place they learn how to politely navigate society, so we have provided that for them, and that's good. Then there's the not so great part, like my kids on some level behave like crazed hopped up squirrels because they don't give a rat fart about my rules. In my defense some of that last part is their age. But, that's probably not enough of a percentage to get me off the hook for crummy parenting. I'm a creature of habit and don't like to change me. So to be confonted with, "your immature, lazy parenting isn't helping your kids," is not fun. As much as I don't like to change, it's work, I believe I have a responsibility to raise my kids well. It's a big responsibility, like having a puppy, except with an eternal soul and college tuition.

Bottom line, if you don't really feel like growing up as a parent, never sign your kids up for art class. In fact, best not to let them know such things exist. That way they don't know how much fun they're not having and you won't know how lousy they aren't when you're not around. The grammer on that last sentence is perfectly sound. Think about it.

Globalgoring

Obama wants to introduce pollutants into the atmosphere to cool the earth. Which is insane. The measure of just how insane has finally been stated in terms I can understand. Harvey's post on IMAO blog is right on. Why is NO ONE else making this connection?

The World As I See It......

Hawaii is appealing to it's number one son, Obama, to save it's dying tourism industry. I'm thinking, if the home of Magnum P.I., the highest rated Brady Bunch show ever, and the former residence of Steve McQueen and Oprah, can't draw a crowd, then all you got is HOPE. Just an aside according to Reuters, the going rate for HOPE these days, is $0.50 or a doughnut.

Lifeboat, The Fun Game Where Only One Survives, It Could Be You!

Former First Lady, Senator from New York, now Secretary of State Hillary R. Clinton stated Thursday the lifeboat the pirates are holding the U.S. captain hostage on has run out of gas. It is now apparently adrift on the high seas. Sec. Clinton was questioned about U.S. plans to proceed and responded, "We are encouraged by this turn of events, it demonstrates our strategy is working." When asked what strategy she was referring to, Sec. Clinton said, "The strategy involving a complex series of waiting and hoping. We are encouraged to see they have run out of gas, it's movement in the right direction. At this point, we are just waiting for people to start evaporating." She added, "We are not going to be like the previous administration, confronting problems quickly, we are going to be thoughtful and patient before we make any firm decisions. Our polling data tells us that the majority of our global community will be most comfortable with any decision to confront the pirates when people start to evaporate. So that is how we will proceed."

On her way to meet with the Australian defense secretary, Clinton declined to answer any more questions before hopping on her broomstick and taking flight.

CHIFU Naval Strategy Conference on Piracy Deterrence

China: We need to stop pirates. China has plans to take over world. Pirates greatly interfere with world domination. This not work for us.

U.S.: Blow them up.

France: Ah! America! That is exactly the wrong thing to do. It only makes them angry. Non! We must find their weakness and exploit it! Wine, women, cable. There must be something they want.

India: They want money you stupid little man! They keep taking our ships and we keep paying them. This is a very very good deal for the pirates. India supports blowing them up!

U.S.: Right, we're agreed. Blow them up.

France: Non!

China: Uh, we only small pre-industrial country, with few tiny people, little resources, we not helpful here, we let you big countries work it out, OK, bye now!

U.S.: We're gonna blow them up.

India: Yes, let's.

France: Sacrebleu!

Buy GM, Their Workers Don't

As it turns out, a lot of workers at GM's Technical Center in Flint, MI don't drive GM cars. If the parking lot is anything to go by, it's filled with foreign automobiles. Now before you start hatin' there are probably several very good reasons why GM workers won't buy their own products. And I've thought of them all:

1. They want reliable cars.
2. They foresee a day when GM cars will become synonymous with, community property, and they just don't feel like sharing their car with the tax payers who paid for it.
3. Toyota's come with Ninjas.
4. GM car radios now only play Obama speeches.
5. GM's Buy A Car Get A Doughnut employee incentive program just failed outright.

Rabbit Trail...

Would anyone really miss the New York Times if it went away? It's not like the blue whale or some rare kind of jungle ostrich, those animals are cool and serve a purpose. The New York Times just continues to loose subscriptions and money. But, if Obama does decide to save the NYT with government money, he can then save all the newspapers with bail out money and claim control over the media as well. Why aren't people on their roofs with rifles over this?

The World As I See It.....

Obama had strong words to say about North Korea firing a missile while speeching in Prague. "North Korea broke the rules, once again, by testing a rocket that could be used for long-range missiles.... This provocation underscores the need for action, not just ... in the U.N. Security Council, but in our determination to prevent the spread of these weapons." Wow, Kim Jong Il must be shaking in his tiny little dictator boots after hearing that reign of holy hell fire what for. People these statements make us look ridiculous. Like giving the Queen of England an IPod ridiculous. Lil' Kim Jong is jiggling with delight that he got away with something and the worst that might happen is the UN holds a meeting.

But there is more, Susan Rice, the U.S. ambassador to the U.N., told CBS television Monday that the U.S. was calling for a Security Council resolution that would be binding under international law, so North Korea's leaders understand "they can't act with impunity."

Brilliant! Another binding resolution, because we've had so much success with these dumb things in the past. Here are my ideas for what to call this new binding resolution:

1. Stop Firing Missiles Or Else, This Time We Really Mean It
2. Go Ahead Fire Again, We Have All The Time In the World To Issue More Binding Resolutions Against You
3. Come On Kim Jong, Ret's Be Flends
4. Stop Firing Missiles Or Your White House Time Share Will Be Revoked (actually I think that one might work)
5. Don't Make Us Go Team America On You **** Yeah!

Open to suggestions.

And that's the world as I see it.......

Rabbit Trail.....

What if children's cartoons got the basics wrong? Like the alphabet.... Instead of ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ... It was AGBECKSETRZ#DMN3OPWQ... And simple addition was wrong, 2+2 wouldn't equal 4, it would be 4,908. How messed up would that be? It's a good thing cartoons aren't stupid.

Capitalism, the Spice of Life

Hugo Chavez, the freedomly challenged American hating Venezuelan dictator in a speech he gave while vacationing in Iran, said, "Capitalism needs to go down. It has to end. And we must take a transitional road to a new model that we call socialism." Wow, new model? What a fun PR campaign this is going to be. Socialism, We Do It Better Than Hitler! Socialism, this way everyone can be dirt poor! Socialism, because you're too stupid to govern yourself! Or, Socialism, Destroying Freedom One Business At A Time!

But maybe I'm being too hard on the little oppressor. Perhaps the only reason he hates capitalism so much is because he's never experienced the benefits of a free market. Who knows, the little tyrant might feel differently if he had say a Gap to shop at. He'd see that shirts come in other colors besides commie red and have an epiphany, forever changing his world view. Years later in his memoirs, I Used to Be A Socialist Jerk Until I Bought a Henley, he'll write about that fateful day when he tried on a lime green polo with antique wash jeans. When he looked in the three way mirror and realized, "There are pants out there that don't make my butt look big. I've been such an ass all these years." He'll talk about how he openly wept in front of the fitted Tees display.

More likely scenario, the people of Venezula will rise up and chose freedom over oppression and overthrow the little Neo-Nazi Socialist dill hole.

Free Criminals and Save Money!

D.C. is seriously considering releasing up to 80% of it's prison population early. This will save $5 million in a $4 billion dollar budget deficit. And since most of these criminals have had vocational training in prison, they're already primed for telemarketing and catalog sales positions. Originally, criminals could earn up to 5 days a month off there sentence by participating in job training and or educational programs. But, since they need to dump a bunch of criminals at once, they've gone to 5 years off your sentence for every 5 days you participate in a program.

Program variety has had to change as well, to include a broader range of skill sets. Beulah Fisher, the architect of this controversial new program, has asked to remain anonymous for fear that early release criminals might find her to say thanks. She had this to say about the program changes, "Not all criminals are going to be over achievers and punch license plates for a living, if this program is going to work, we need to consider all abilities and create programs designed for those abilities." Some of the new programs criminals can earn early release for include, creating diaramas for Don't Shiv Your Cellmate Awareness Month, Martha Stewart's Decorating Lead Pipes and Fun with Soap and Socks arts and crafts , as well as some mental health programs like, Smile Your Way to Happiness, It's Not My Fault I Murder People and Crazy Maniac Is Only A State Of Mind. There have already been some eager adopters of the new early release programs. One criminal who goes by "Icepick" had this to say, "Uh, yeah, it's great we gettin' out early. I just got 15 years off my sentence for murderin' my wife cuz I took the I SPY readin' program for a month. An that's cool cuz I'm innocent, know what I'm sayin'?"

"It's praise like that," says Fisher the program's anonymous champion, "that tells me there is hope for these criminals, even the really crazy ones. Please don't print my name."

Rabbit Trail......

I sometimes wonder what I would say if I ever ran into myself on the street.  Probably, "Hey, watch where you're going."

iThinknotPod

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around a personalized IPod as an official gift of state to the Queen of England.  That's just dumb.  Condoleeza Rice played Brahms on the piano with members of the London Symphony Orchestra as a going away gift.  That's impressive.  An IPod is not. It's not original and you run the risk of all the other unoriginal foreign important people giving her the same thing.  Except for France.  Sarkozy probably just returns stuff they stole during the Norman invasion.  Think about it, he's already got a bunch of junk France stole from England over the last millennia, also he doesn't have to think about what to get her, he just goes to his Stuff We Nicked From England closet, blindly grabs whatever, throws some pretty paper on it and voila! Killer gift you are guaranteed she'll love.  I bet the Queen, because she's a classy lady has the decency to act surprised.  "How absolutely lovely!  Look Phillip, it's the original Van Dyck that use to hang over the fireplace in the blue nursery now being occupied by a giant rectangular outline of the original Van Dyck that use to hang there.  My dearest Nick, how ever did you know I wanted one?"  

Back to the IPod frippery. Now, if Obama really wanted to impress her with his techno-savvy sensibility he should have given her something really cool like the alien spacecraft from Roswell.  That's unique and I'm pretty sure no one else is gonna have one.  Or how about something just plain useful like a day at the Red Door Spa.  No woman, queen or not, is gonna pass that up.  Besides I think lunch is included and on a budget, like we are, that ain't not bad.