Moving To New Address

I'm in the process of moving this blog to Wordpress. The new address will be http://piedpatter.wordpress.com. Really like the options. I'll keep you posted. Thanks!

Obama Charity Case

Sidwell Friends, school to President's daughters, had their annual fund raising auction this year. Many eagerly anticipated what the Obama's might be auctioning, remembering full well the generosity of the Clinton's in times past. A round of golf with Bill brought in nearly six figures. A night in the Lincoln Bedroom, nearly $500,000 dollars. The Clinton's are fondly remembered as very generous and giving of themselves for money. So one can understand the complete and utter disappointment when all the Obama's ponied up were a signed Rolling Stone and Vogue Magazine. Stagering to think what that must have set them back. One attendee who wished to remain anonymous because her husband is Rahm Emmanuel, said she was expecting a more personal gift, like Hillary's hairclip that went for $8000. What the Obama's lacked however, one royal guest more than made up for. The Queen of England's IPod fetched a handsome $30,000.

Hell Hath No Fury Like White American Women Scorned

I have to credit Frank J. at IMAO for the article. I found it on his site. Great blog.

Apparently what really irritates the Taliban more than blowing them up, kicking them out of their country and driving back under the rocks they crawled out from, is women. Not just any women, White American Women who travel 20,000 miles to help kill them. This understanding was the impetus for a joint RFP (request for proposal) that was put out in an effort to procure more White American Women, or WAW's. Prototypes have been assembled and are ready for competition. Boeing, the aeronautics giant, partnered with L.L. Bean and Lancome, has come up with what they consider a very formidable WAW combatant, complete with layered BDU, a new lightweight, compact RPG launcher that can be worn as an accessory or folded to fit in a matching satchel, and exploding lipstick. This WAW also comes with a Mother's Child In Mortal Danger Option, that when activated turns the WAW into a reflexively lethal killing machine. So much so, many engineers have died while performing live trials with this feature activated.

Also competing is Team Lockheed, who partnered with The Gap, and Coach. They have proposed a WAW combatant that features sensible lightweight matching body armour and helmet, with rhinestone studded blow torch and jewel toned grenades. This WAW also has an Historical Topic Repeat Button and Grudge Actuator, HTRB/AG, option. That when employed will result in a WAW that can instantly bring up everything that ever hurt or angered her, going all the way back to childhood if necessary, and then she will absolutely not, under any circumstances relent from telling the enemy just how bad that made the her feel. Recent live trials of this feature have been very successful. The HTRB/GA was able to stay active for 17 hours. Far exceeding the required 12 hour threshold. Team Lockheed spokesperson said the live trials demonstrate conclusively the power and stamina of an angry woman.

This was a much needed success for Lockheed. The initial live trial resulted in the WAW getting so angry at trial engineers she perceived were ignoring her, she fired several rounds into the testing equipment and took an ax to one engineer's '97 Mustang. Lockheed has made a public statement apologizing for the damage and has since reconfigured the Enemy Identification variable so the WAW only attacks the enemy.

A selection decision is scheduled for late summer. The GAO, who has been closely following the program, says the only challenge for the awarded team will be to keep it on schedule and on budget. Both teams have addressed this issue by implementing checks and balances to keep the WAW on track. Boeing put into place an Advance The Time Line One Month To Ensure Timely Production process, which, simply put, is a time line that's moved up by a month to trick the engineers into thinking they have less time than they really do. The hope is that they will finish early.

So far everything has gone according to schedule. Both Boeing and Lockheed feel they have an excellent shot at winning the award. One thing they both have going for them is what one team member calls, Ingrained Patriotism and Devotion to Duty, something that occurs in WAW's naturally. Apparently what makes WAW such a hostile adversary is the degree to which they love their country and hate religious lunatics that want to harm their families. Both teams agree the Patriotic/Devotion variable is the engine that drives the WAW into harms way, to mercilessly batter the enemy with ceaseless talking, just before she shoots them.

Obama Cures Insomnia

Obama, credited with healing the sick, raising the dead, solving Einstein's Theory of Everything, and teaching dolphins to speak, has done yet another amazing thing. He was able, where modern medicine has failed, to put his staffer Larry Summers into a deep sleep. Obama was in the middle of a staff meeting when he was silently alerted to his accomplishment. Smiling, as a father unto his weary beleaguered son, Obama quitely left the room and returned with a multi-colored Obama throw, hand knit by Nairobi school children, and placed it gently over Summers slumbering body. He then said with hushed voice, "Shhhh....." signalling for everyone to get up quietly and exit the room. When asked later about how he achieved this amazing feat, Obama humbly replied, "I have been doing incredible things for so long I don't even have to think about it and it happens. I gave a blind man his sight back yesterday just by running him over in a cross walk with one of the SUV's in my security detail. His sight back! Can you believe it?" Summers, who was allowed to sleep uninterrupted for the duration of the meeting, woke feeling well rested. He later commented to a colleague, "That was the best sleep I've had in a long time. Obama is truly amazing, he can put anyone to sleep."

Rabbit Trail...

The likelihood of a car pulling around another car trying to turn left, is indirectly related to the number of stuffed animals in the back window.

Good Question.....

An article in the The Jerusalem Post speaks candidly about Obama's girl-like giddiness towards oppressive leaders like Chavez, Fidel, and the king of Saudi Arabia. The author, Shmuley Boteach, admits that while liking Obama, he is concerned about how far the President's friendliness towards freedom hating dictators will go. Obama is seen all over the news smiling at Chavez, bowing to the King of Saudia Arabia, and giving the Lincoln Memorial's mascot Cuddles to Castro.

Which Castro immediately shaved and put to work. True story.
But the article brings up a really good question, how oppressive does a leader have to be, to be unworthy of an Obama hug? So I asked the White House office on All Things Obama for an official answer to the question. Here is what they released.

The President does not and has never knowingly smiled at, bowed to, or given a Portugese Water dog to any world leader that oppresses or murders their own people. The President wants to make very clear the standard level of oppressiveness or murderousness a leader must possess to not merit a smile, bow, or puppy is as follows:

1. Leaders who said nice things about President Bush.

2. Any leader who questions the absolute science behind global warming.

3. Leaders with signed copies of Dutch, Blackhawk Down, or America: The Last Best Hope by Bill Benet.

4. Any leader of a country possessing a statue of Reagan is automatically off the hug list and is on probation for the half-smile head-nod list.

5. The former leader of Australia for suggesting we should not use our financial institutions to socially engineer our society. The President has never said so publically, but that really hurt his feelings.

6. Leaders who didn't get the President anything for his historic election to office. Poland, you know who you are.

7. Leaders of developing nations whose primary concern is feeding their people and steming the rapid transmission of AIDS to women and children, but fail to meet strict carbon offset standards. The President, although sympathetic, will not knowingly hug that leader.

Robot Takeover, Not likely

Scientists are saying that robots are getting more humanlike every day and that the gap between humans and robots is narrowing. The line between bot and body is getting blurry. What started out as a creepy way for lonely Japanese men to get girls has now turned into a real growth industry. If there's a need, there's probably a robot that can meet it, and if not, be sure some sad robotics enginerd wearing a "Baltar for President" tee shirt is working on it. I can appreciate that robots are getting more life-like in manner but I heartily disagree with the idea that they will ever take our place. First and only reason, Asimov's three laws of robotics. Asimov in his brilliantism could foresee a day when robots might try to take over, so he created three laws to stop any possibility of a robot plot to destroy us. So far it's working. No robot takeovers. Also, if they're so smart and human-like why is this robot answering a banana?
Silly robot.

New Polling Stats

A recent poll says 1 in 3 kids fear the apocalypse. But I guess that's ok because another poll said 1 in 3 pollsters fear kids. Which is also true, 7 out of 5 people know that.

Cheatin' Chinese

China stole terabytes (that's like a whole lot) of Joint Strike Fighter code off Lockheed Martin servers recently. The Chinese deny it was them, of course they're lying. Every one knows they want really cool military stuff like us. They whine about it daily in the news, and every time they try to build something on their own it sucks, so naturally they resort to stealing. I think I'd respect them a microscopic amount more if they just admit they're thieves.

U.S.: We know you stole our Joint Strike Fighter info, be a man, admit it.

China: We stole nothing. You wrong. Maybe it North Korea. Kim Jong Il hate you.

U.S.: We know it was you. Our techs traced it back to you.

China: Impossible! We are untraceable!

U.S.: So you admit you stole our stuff?

China: We admit nothing! North Korea did it.

U.S.: Right, it was you.

In a related story China has launched a massive international IT hiring campaign.

The World As I See It.....

Unless these Somali skiff jockey's start manning up to their claims to be pirates, their status should be revoked. Pirates don't have mothers begging for their lives. Pirates don't have mothers, fact. Also, pirates don't wear DQ soft serve looking rags on their heads, they wear torn puffy shirts and eye patches. Last fact, pirates do not come from Somalia. That has never been the case, I looked it up. So let's just go back to what we were calling them, terrorists, and let real pirates have their dignity back.

Pirates Freed

This is ridiculous. Pirates freed because of a technicality? And what do you mean we can't attack pirates unless they attack us?! Somewhere in hell Blackbeard is weeping. You're supposed to kill pirates on sight. That's what you do. It keeps the tradition of pirating pure and decent. You don't try pirates! It wrecks the whole thing.

Obama's New Book Series

The people at Crown Publishing Group have decided to publish a new book series by Barack Obama. Clearly wanting to capitalize on the new Presidents popularity before the general public realizes what they've elected, Crown is hoping the series turns a massive profit and kills more trees, publishers hate trees. The Group, responsible for Obama's other two hardbacks entitled, The Audacity of Hope and Dreams of My Father, will be releasing the three book series all at the same time. The titles include, The Audacity of My Fathers Dreams, Hope My Audacity Can Father, and The Father of All Audacity.

Cindy Willowhead, a spokesperson for Crown Publishing Group, said in a recent press conference, "We are very excited about this new series by Barack Obama's two other books." When asked if she really meant to say that Obama's two other books wrote the series, Willowhead replied, "Yes, it's very simple, we've taken all the words from his other two books, mixed them up, slapped covers on them, and called it a new series. They are beautiful, pure poetry." Clearly hopped up on hippie lettuce, Willowhead had this to say, "Obama's words are so powerful that it doesn't matter what order you put them in, they will be meaningful, move the masses, and make a buttload of money." To prove her point she read an excerpt from The Audacity of My Fathers Dreams:

Will the word hope not me do what daddy far long cry done. Audacity not be man child decent way the from coming book heart blood? Said summer twenty-first, "Not stranger small, much heavy wolf long concerned!" Jump had gate race full summer hot still. Reason please found find exchange mad self store ascent.

Many wept. Two journalists and several onlookers received medical treatment for uncontrollable sobbing. One man jumped out a second story window, and a Fox news correspondent was flogged and beaten after he asked Willowhead what the passage meant.

Crazy Bristish Lady

A 60 year old British woman is fulfilling her lifelong dream of riding a horse from Beijing to London for the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony. Which begs the question, LONDON is hosting the Olympics? Where exactly are they going to put it? Has the Olympic selection committee even been to London? There's no room! Anyhow, the horse lady says she's doing the ride for charity, but then that's what all crazy ladies say when they want to do something insane like ride a horse across Asia. The 5000 mile horseback ride will be made with two other Chinese guys who are using the trek as an excuse to get the heck out of China without going to jail. I guess they promised they'd come back or something. Realize that this is a three year long horse ride. I once rode a horse for three hours and couldn't sit for a week. I'm just gonna cut right to why this is a bad idea.

1. She will go through no less than 4 horses just getting out of Beijing alone, what with traffic, getting lost, pollution and people who eat horses.

2. Horse failure. In all likelihood the horse will just give up and die. Like a rabbit who can die on command once caught by a predator, so will the horse once it understands it's been forever and they haven't turned around to go home, the trip will never end, best just to die now.

3. Samurai Horse Thieves. China's lousy with them. This could end up being a real short horse ride and real long walk if she's not careful.

4. Saddle waddle. Think about it. She'll never walk the same again.

5. Boredom. Requires no explanation.

6. Cabin Fever. Usually associated with long ship voyages, it is easily applied here as well. After a while, I would hate anyone I had to be with non-stop for three years on a horse. I would probably even hate the horse too.

Keep the Bar Low

I have a goal, it's to keep my kids thinking that normal birthdays are thrown together at the last minute and the only themes are stars and balloons because that's what Safeway's paper plates have on them. Before you judge, this has been working for years. I have three kids, and you'd be amazed at how often birthday's pop up in our family. My luck, however, is running out. My oldest son is now getting a taste of what other kids do for their birthdays, thank you public school system. So far he's been invited to a movie party, a Tai Kwan Do party and an Inflatable Bouncy Adventure party. As of yet he hasn't questioned why his birthday's have all sucked up till now, but I can tell he's thinking about it. He's getting ideas for his next party. Things like Lego themes and who he's gonna invite, and all I can think is this sounds expensive. I am working on what I'm going to say if he asks for some kind of "theme" party. "Hey that sounds great, when the Lego store is free, then we can have a party," or "OK we can have a party at the bowling alley, but we have to sell all your toys first," or "I have an idea, no!" I think that last one is my favorite. Gets right to the point. No sense in giving him hope. A good rule of thumb, always keep expectations really really low.

Somali Prime Minister Wants Money

The prime minister of Somalia Omar something Ali something said they know who the pirates are, what they're doing with all the stolen money, where they're located, their favorite colors and he would be willing to give us all that info if we give him money. Now how is THAT not piracy. We should declare him a pirate, wait till he gets on a boat and then blow it up. Here's an idea, we pay you nothing and maybe we won't make your head explode with our minds like in Scanners.

Questions to Ask If You Are a Hooker Advertising on Craigslist

Prostitutes advertising their services on Craigslist now have one more thing to worry about other than some dude sending them a photo of a really hot guy whose not him. There is some lunatic serial murderer prowling the sex trade ads looking for victims. Now, the simple solution would seem to be don't advertise on Craigslist. But that's stupid, a person cannot possibly be expected to pass up free advertising to millions of people just because there's a really good chance they'll be made dead. That's nonsense. So now what should a "professional" do to avoid being hideously murdered? I've come up with a list of questions to ask the John before you meet him in a dark secluded place miles from nowhere to give him a lap dance before you die.

1. Are you the Craigslist killer? Just get that one right out of the way first. If he says no, he might be lying so you'll have to follow up with some other questions to catch him.

2. What are your hobbies? If he says knives, cutting people, hiding in bushes, making clothes out of human skin, stuffing bodies in 55 gallon drums, or the like, do not meet him. He will probably murder you. Caring for the elderly, hugging puppies, having a good cry, are all exceptable, however, he's probably gay.

3. Do you like your mother? My mother was an unloving coldblooded snake, I hate my mother, I killed my mother, are all "red flag" answers. Chances are he will at some point start confusing you with his twisted mother and kill you. Most likely after he's forced you at knife point to dress like June Cleaver and make him pancakes.

4. Why are we going to an abandoned warehouse to meet? So no one can hear you scream, Clean up's a breeze, I like to be naked when I murder people.... Again, anything like these means you will end up dead, and not pretty dead like a princess who died in her big princess bed from heartbreak over the loss of her love kind of dead, no you'll be ugly dead, like Jack the Ripper dead (google it if you are unsmart and don't know who that is, and how is that possible you're a hooker? Jack the Ripper is like a hookers Stonewall, go google that one too dummy, you definitely won't know that reference).

5. When you say you collect feet, do you mean shoes? Um yeah... that's what I meant, Sort of..., No I mean human feet, are all unacceptable answers. Do not meet this guy unless you just have to have your feet cut off. Or you are too poor to buy shoes and see this as a good alternative.

6. Is Jeffery Ripper Bundy your real name? No it's my spy name, Yes my dead mom was a big history buff, I want to meet you so I can carve my initials into your face, all mean he wants to cut you into little tiny bite size piece and feed you to his pet boa constrictor Cuddles.

7. What's the duct tape for? I want to show you my skills, Just in case, To immobilize you while I sacrifice you to the Moon goddess... only then will I become transformed into a powerful wizard dragon and complete my awakening, ok you will not want to meet any guys giving these answers, you also might want to change your name and move to a different town. He's probably watching you from the bushes outside your window. Also, any guy who makes you bring the stuff he needs to murder you, means he cheap and won't pay.

Navy Awesomeness

"Not only will they shoot you dead from the fantail of a destroyer while you're in a life raft in choppy seas.... they'll do it at night.... on Easter Sunday."

Correction

I am correcting left-wing extremist photograph. After getting a lot of nasmy pamsy arguments about how the alien is freakin awesome and way more better than left-wing extremists, I've had to concede to their well formed arguments . The namsy's are right, the alien is freakin awesome. So I've decided to update my photo of what a left wing extremist looks like.


Answer:



The Village People.


My apologies to the alien. Please don't rip off my limbs and leave me half alive so you can use my body as a host organism for baby aliens. Thank you.

Whose The Extremist?

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has been standing by her report that there are right-wing extremists in our country and they might be really really mean to liberals at some point in the future, or something to that effect, I just read the headlines. Anyhow, it got me thinking,what does a right wing extremist look like?

Answer:


James Bond. Good looking, smart, nice car, and he's not afraid to kill people that need it.




So what does a left-wing extremist look like?

Answer:




The alien. A creature so hostile it can live in space and bleeds acid.





So now what kind of person accuses James Bond of being a terrorist?


Answer:



A militant gun toting lesbian.

Change Gitmo Can't Believe In

Gitmo prisoner says nothing's changed since Obama took office. He still gets beaten, roughed up,a and called mean hurtful names (big baby). In Obama's defense, the President is too busy not doing anything about pirates and the economy. He's only one man, he simply can't not do anything about everything at once. But don't worry little fella, give him some time and he'll not do anything about you too.

Flowers For Baghdad

Iraq is holding it's first annual flower show. And the liberals say the surge didn't work. HA! Nothing says peace like a flower show. Bush is completely vindicated, they should call it the Bush Got Rid Of That Murdering Dictator Hussein And Now We Can Have A Proper Flower Show, Not Like That Crap Weed Show We Use To Have That Was Really Just Dandelions And Crab Grass show. Or they could just hang a Mission Accomplished banner up and be grateful flowers even grow in their once God forsaken country.

Rabbit Trail...

Is it me or does Castro look like Woody Allen?

Politically Correct Pirate Names

In keeping with last months policy to change the Bushian phrase, Global War On Terror, which makes people feel icky and hateful towards the misunderstood and disenfranchised terrorists, to Overseas Contingency Operation, which makes people feel nothing, the Obama administration will probably change the fear mongering term "pirates" into something more fluffy and MSNBCish. Here's the list thus far:

1. Unorthodox Barterers
2. Somali Navy
3. Victims
4. Santa's Little Helpers
5. Somali Delegation of Merchant Vessel Acquisitions Experts
6. Vocationally Challenged Undocumented Sea Re-allocators
7. Used-Ship Salesmen
8. Allah and the Midnight Visitors
9. Unfriendly Surprise Guests
10. Sneaky Sailors

Dolphins Are Communists!

It is widely known that I hate dolphins. They're the jerks of the ocean. I have friends who love them, in a weird unnatural unicorn kind of way. They cry big buckets of tears about how dolphins are soooo intelligent (if they're so smart why can't they avoid tuna nets?) loving mammal fish, I'm wrong, and why don't I just shut up about the dolphin? Well HA, now I have indisputable proof that dolphins are in fact agents of the Chinese government operating in international waters helping the PLAN protect Chinese vessels from pirates. Photographic evidence documents a pod of tuna bait "magically" appearing as if by magic to cut off suspected pirates from a Chinese merchant vessel. The pirates were unable to break through the dolphin strong hold so they gave up and went back to their secret pirate cove. I was right, now I am properly vindicated for my utter dislike of dolphins. They are communists. I'm gettin' the message out. DOLPHINS ARE COMMIE LOVERS! Trust them no more.

On a related topic. What kind of pirate gives up at the sight of dolphins? When did dolphins become such a scary threat? This is good. The next time our navy is faced with a pirate/hostage situation save the bullets and just chuck dolphins at them. That works pretty well.

Pakistan's Implosion

Pakistan has only a few months to live before it implodes and becomes the mother of all rogue states. Which I thought had already happened. So the shock didn't come until I read the Obama solution, or Obamalution, should this disaster actually occur. The answer, build a regional compact with Russia, Iran, and China. I know!!! Hmmmm.... let's see, what are, "Three countries who publicly hate us?" This plan was obviously contrived during a bad case of ganoobies. Then I read that pot growth is up 60% this year. Ah ha, now it makes sense. Foreign policy decisions are clearly being made while smoking the happy stick. Why else would anyone come up with a plan to invite Russia, China, and Iran for a cuddle fest? I wonder what the invitation will look like......

Get Ready For Slumber Fun!!!

You are cordially invited to a very special foreign policy party, hosted by the U.S. It's sure to be a fun filled evening of facials, tickle fights (not too hard Iran, remember fun means not killing),

and terrorist talks.

Bring your favorite slippers as we prepare to prevent the meltdown of Pakistan!

You are welcome to bring one military adviser to the event, as space in the President’s suite at the Intercon Cairo is limited.

As requested, pony rides will be available.

Hope to see you there!

Socialism, it's what Hitler tried....

According to a recent Rasmussen poll, only 53% of 1000 Americans polled prefer capitalism to socialism. It got me thinking, maybe that's because the other 47% don't know what socialism really is. They may not be aware that it was exactly what Hitler tried back in the 1930's. Look how stunningly successful that turned out. That in mind, I thought it might be helpful to those 470 individuals whose answer is more scary than anything else, to educate them on precisely what socialism is not.

1. Socialism is not warm puppies licking your face.
2. Socialism is not Obama dressed as Santa paying your mortgage.. (not yet, anyway).
3. Socialism is not a land of ponies. Ponies die in socialism because it makes them sad.
4. It's not being able to buy anything you worked really hard for ever again. You now get to work really hard and not be able to buy anything. See how fun that is.
5. It's not having a say in how your government is run. You are too stupid to draw your name in the mud with a stick, let alone run the government. Don't embarrass yourself by trying.
6. Socialism is not every child receiving a better education. (pause for laugh) Your child will now receive less education for more money. As if that were even possible.
7. Socialism is not everyone having the opportunity to succeed. No one gets to succeed. That's what makes it so fair.
8. Socialism is not every man is equal. No, you are now on the same level as sea cucumbers and redwood trees, a.k.a. the environment. There is a lottery held every year to see which one of you will go.

It' Me

I like writing about my kids because I love them and I think they're quite possibly the most interesting topic on the planet. Also, I learn a lot from being around them, mostly that I suck and need to grow up. Today's lesson, it's not them, it's me.

My two oldest kids, while on Easter break had been attending Art Camp at the community center. At the end of the week they had an Art Show which displayed all the awesome art the kids had been working on all week. Naturally my children were lightyears ahead in both skill and composition. Seriously, they were brilliant. Pastel chalk impressionist landscapes that would make Monet cry.

I digress.

While viewing the masterpieces, in a room packed with kids and parents, the instructor came up and told my husband and me how helpful, Max, my oldest was in class. He was a great line leader (of course) and helped get all the children organized with supplies and whatnot in class. She then continued on telling us how Sofia had mastered the difficulty of going from painting on her hands to painting on paper. (She is truly a free spirit and completely unfettered by what anyone else thinks. It's cute and challenging all at the same time.) The instructor finished complimenting our children's behavior and artistic skills and then moved on to, I presume to console the other parents whose kids artwork looked like blind retarded monkeys did it.

I was very proud of my children and how well they were doing, and people who watch them in church or school activities are usually very complimentary about their behavior, but in the back of my head I always wonder, "Who are they talking about? My kids don't sit and listen, or help if they can possibly get out of it." As parents, my husband and I are both agreed, our kids are the best kids ever, but we also know what they are capable of becoming without strict environmental controls. So as I pondered when aliens could have possibly abducted my children, replaced them with well mannered exact replica's, then re-replaced them back in the art class without being noticed, the logistics of which had to be a nightmare, it dawned on me. More like landed on my head with a thud! The one common denomenator for my kids bad behavior is me. I am the constant for the majority of their shananigans. This is a real revelation for a parent. It says a lot about how I'm raising my kids, and more about what they think of me. Some of which is good, for example, kids do need a safe place they can take their bad stuff. It's in that safe place they learn how to politely navigate society, so we have provided that for them, and that's good. Then there's the not so great part, like my kids on some level behave like crazed hopped up squirrels because they don't give a rat fart about my rules. In my defense some of that last part is their age. But, that's probably not enough of a percentage to get me off the hook for crummy parenting. I'm a creature of habit and don't like to change me. So to be confonted with, "your immature, lazy parenting isn't helping your kids," is not fun. As much as I don't like to change, it's work, I believe I have a responsibility to raise my kids well. It's a big responsibility, like having a puppy, except with an eternal soul and college tuition.

Bottom line, if you don't really feel like growing up as a parent, never sign your kids up for art class. In fact, best not to let them know such things exist. That way they don't know how much fun they're not having and you won't know how lousy they aren't when you're not around. The grammer on that last sentence is perfectly sound. Think about it.

Globalgoring

Obama wants to introduce pollutants into the atmosphere to cool the earth. Which is insane. The measure of just how insane has finally been stated in terms I can understand. Harvey's post on IMAO blog is right on. Why is NO ONE else making this connection?

The World As I See It......

Hawaii is appealing to it's number one son, Obama, to save it's dying tourism industry. I'm thinking, if the home of Magnum P.I., the highest rated Brady Bunch show ever, and the former residence of Steve McQueen and Oprah, can't draw a crowd, then all you got is HOPE. Just an aside according to Reuters, the going rate for HOPE these days, is $0.50 or a doughnut.

Lifeboat, The Fun Game Where Only One Survives, It Could Be You!

Former First Lady, Senator from New York, now Secretary of State Hillary R. Clinton stated Thursday the lifeboat the pirates are holding the U.S. captain hostage on has run out of gas. It is now apparently adrift on the high seas. Sec. Clinton was questioned about U.S. plans to proceed and responded, "We are encouraged by this turn of events, it demonstrates our strategy is working." When asked what strategy she was referring to, Sec. Clinton said, "The strategy involving a complex series of waiting and hoping. We are encouraged to see they have run out of gas, it's movement in the right direction. At this point, we are just waiting for people to start evaporating." She added, "We are not going to be like the previous administration, confronting problems quickly, we are going to be thoughtful and patient before we make any firm decisions. Our polling data tells us that the majority of our global community will be most comfortable with any decision to confront the pirates when people start to evaporate. So that is how we will proceed."

On her way to meet with the Australian defense secretary, Clinton declined to answer any more questions before hopping on her broomstick and taking flight.

CHIFU Naval Strategy Conference on Piracy Deterrence

China: We need to stop pirates. China has plans to take over world. Pirates greatly interfere with world domination. This not work for us.

U.S.: Blow them up.

France: Ah! America! That is exactly the wrong thing to do. It only makes them angry. Non! We must find their weakness and exploit it! Wine, women, cable. There must be something they want.

India: They want money you stupid little man! They keep taking our ships and we keep paying them. This is a very very good deal for the pirates. India supports blowing them up!

U.S.: Right, we're agreed. Blow them up.

France: Non!

China: Uh, we only small pre-industrial country, with few tiny people, little resources, we not helpful here, we let you big countries work it out, OK, bye now!

U.S.: We're gonna blow them up.

India: Yes, let's.

France: Sacrebleu!

Buy GM, Their Workers Don't

As it turns out, a lot of workers at GM's Technical Center in Flint, MI don't drive GM cars. If the parking lot is anything to go by, it's filled with foreign automobiles. Now before you start hatin' there are probably several very good reasons why GM workers won't buy their own products. And I've thought of them all:

1. They want reliable cars.
2. They foresee a day when GM cars will become synonymous with, community property, and they just don't feel like sharing their car with the tax payers who paid for it.
3. Toyota's come with Ninjas.
4. GM car radios now only play Obama speeches.
5. GM's Buy A Car Get A Doughnut employee incentive program just failed outright.

Rabbit Trail...

Would anyone really miss the New York Times if it went away? It's not like the blue whale or some rare kind of jungle ostrich, those animals are cool and serve a purpose. The New York Times just continues to loose subscriptions and money. But, if Obama does decide to save the NYT with government money, he can then save all the newspapers with bail out money and claim control over the media as well. Why aren't people on their roofs with rifles over this?

The World As I See It.....

Obama had strong words to say about North Korea firing a missile while speeching in Prague. "North Korea broke the rules, once again, by testing a rocket that could be used for long-range missiles.... This provocation underscores the need for action, not just ... in the U.N. Security Council, but in our determination to prevent the spread of these weapons." Wow, Kim Jong Il must be shaking in his tiny little dictator boots after hearing that reign of holy hell fire what for. People these statements make us look ridiculous. Like giving the Queen of England an IPod ridiculous. Lil' Kim Jong is jiggling with delight that he got away with something and the worst that might happen is the UN holds a meeting.

But there is more, Susan Rice, the U.S. ambassador to the U.N., told CBS television Monday that the U.S. was calling for a Security Council resolution that would be binding under international law, so North Korea's leaders understand "they can't act with impunity."

Brilliant! Another binding resolution, because we've had so much success with these dumb things in the past. Here are my ideas for what to call this new binding resolution:

1. Stop Firing Missiles Or Else, This Time We Really Mean It
2. Go Ahead Fire Again, We Have All The Time In the World To Issue More Binding Resolutions Against You
3. Come On Kim Jong, Ret's Be Flends
4. Stop Firing Missiles Or Your White House Time Share Will Be Revoked (actually I think that one might work)
5. Don't Make Us Go Team America On You **** Yeah!

Open to suggestions.

And that's the world as I see it.......

Rabbit Trail.....

What if children's cartoons got the basics wrong? Like the alphabet.... Instead of ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ... It was AGBECKSETRZ#DMN3OPWQ... And simple addition was wrong, 2+2 wouldn't equal 4, it would be 4,908. How messed up would that be? It's a good thing cartoons aren't stupid.

Capitalism, the Spice of Life

Hugo Chavez, the freedomly challenged American hating Venezuelan dictator in a speech he gave while vacationing in Iran, said, "Capitalism needs to go down. It has to end. And we must take a transitional road to a new model that we call socialism." Wow, new model? What a fun PR campaign this is going to be. Socialism, We Do It Better Than Hitler! Socialism, this way everyone can be dirt poor! Socialism, because you're too stupid to govern yourself! Or, Socialism, Destroying Freedom One Business At A Time!

But maybe I'm being too hard on the little oppressor. Perhaps the only reason he hates capitalism so much is because he's never experienced the benefits of a free market. Who knows, the little tyrant might feel differently if he had say a Gap to shop at. He'd see that shirts come in other colors besides commie red and have an epiphany, forever changing his world view. Years later in his memoirs, I Used to Be A Socialist Jerk Until I Bought a Henley, he'll write about that fateful day when he tried on a lime green polo with antique wash jeans. When he looked in the three way mirror and realized, "There are pants out there that don't make my butt look big. I've been such an ass all these years." He'll talk about how he openly wept in front of the fitted Tees display.

More likely scenario, the people of Venezula will rise up and chose freedom over oppression and overthrow the little Neo-Nazi Socialist dill hole.

Free Criminals and Save Money!

D.C. is seriously considering releasing up to 80% of it's prison population early. This will save $5 million in a $4 billion dollar budget deficit. And since most of these criminals have had vocational training in prison, they're already primed for telemarketing and catalog sales positions. Originally, criminals could earn up to 5 days a month off there sentence by participating in job training and or educational programs. But, since they need to dump a bunch of criminals at once, they've gone to 5 years off your sentence for every 5 days you participate in a program.

Program variety has had to change as well, to include a broader range of skill sets. Beulah Fisher, the architect of this controversial new program, has asked to remain anonymous for fear that early release criminals might find her to say thanks. She had this to say about the program changes, "Not all criminals are going to be over achievers and punch license plates for a living, if this program is going to work, we need to consider all abilities and create programs designed for those abilities." Some of the new programs criminals can earn early release for include, creating diaramas for Don't Shiv Your Cellmate Awareness Month, Martha Stewart's Decorating Lead Pipes and Fun with Soap and Socks arts and crafts , as well as some mental health programs like, Smile Your Way to Happiness, It's Not My Fault I Murder People and Crazy Maniac Is Only A State Of Mind. There have already been some eager adopters of the new early release programs. One criminal who goes by "Icepick" had this to say, "Uh, yeah, it's great we gettin' out early. I just got 15 years off my sentence for murderin' my wife cuz I took the I SPY readin' program for a month. An that's cool cuz I'm innocent, know what I'm sayin'?"

"It's praise like that," says Fisher the program's anonymous champion, "that tells me there is hope for these criminals, even the really crazy ones. Please don't print my name."

Rabbit Trail......

I sometimes wonder what I would say if I ever ran into myself on the street.  Probably, "Hey, watch where you're going."

iThinknotPod

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around a personalized IPod as an official gift of state to the Queen of England.  That's just dumb.  Condoleeza Rice played Brahms on the piano with members of the London Symphony Orchestra as a going away gift.  That's impressive.  An IPod is not. It's not original and you run the risk of all the other unoriginal foreign important people giving her the same thing.  Except for France.  Sarkozy probably just returns stuff they stole during the Norman invasion.  Think about it, he's already got a bunch of junk France stole from England over the last millennia, also he doesn't have to think about what to get her, he just goes to his Stuff We Nicked From England closet, blindly grabs whatever, throws some pretty paper on it and voila! Killer gift you are guaranteed she'll love.  I bet the Queen, because she's a classy lady has the decency to act surprised.  "How absolutely lovely!  Look Phillip, it's the original Van Dyck that use to hang over the fireplace in the blue nursery now being occupied by a giant rectangular outline of the original Van Dyck that use to hang there.  My dearest Nick, how ever did you know I wanted one?"  

Back to the IPod frippery. Now, if Obama really wanted to impress her with his techno-savvy sensibility he should have given her something really cool like the alien spacecraft from Roswell.  That's unique and I'm pretty sure no one else is gonna have one.  Or how about something just plain useful like a day at the Red Door Spa.  No woman, queen or not, is gonna pass that up.  Besides I think lunch is included and on a budget, like we are, that ain't not bad. 

Work, The Ultimate Deterent

People argue that the death penalty isn't a deterrent, not me, but other people. I think death is most definitely a deterrent, I try to avoid it everyday. My point is this, if you really want to deter people from committing crimes, start putting prisoners to work. Not like punch out license plates work, but mind numbing, demeaning, self-loathing, boss-is-a-fun-suck, kind of work. Apart from the gang rapes, stabbings, and gut wrenching nightly screams of terror, I imagine prison to be a paid vacation to a really really boring place, well, like prison, for example. However, if your average criminal was faced with the prospect of spending 9-11 hours a day processing TPS reports, scheduling meetings for the purpose of planning other more important meetings, fighting with IT people because your Outlook sucks and your printer is down because it doesn't play well with others, like coffee, they might chose to go legit and get a nice job at Kinko's/Fed-Ex. If going to prison didn't suck beyond all reason, I too, might chose a life of crime. Maybe something less awful like tax fraud, except I probably wouldn't go to prison, also I might accidentally be appointed by Obama. I would need to chose a crime that isn't horrible and won't scar my family for life. So drugs are out. Maybe illegal weapons sales.  But I would only sell to nice bad people.

In Space, No One Can Smell You Stink

So a bunch of people saw this big flash of light falling out the sky along the eastern seaboard. A number of people called into 911 concerned, like I would be, that we were in fact finally being invaded by Aliens. An official guy from the Naval Observatory said it was probably part of the Russian rocket recently launched, falling back to the earth. How thoughtful of the Russians to dump their flaming ball of space litter off the coast of our lovely Cape Hatteras. One would rightly guess it's part of an evil Russian plot to crap up our National Parks. The last bastions of beauty and deer meat we have left in our country. But I digress. The Naval Observatory guy's claim made sense, the flaming space ball was following the same trajectory that the Russian rocket's space junk would have followed. Ah, but not so says the U.S. Air Force. The Air Force said the fiery ball of fury was not man-made but did not specify what is was. Apparently the USAF is tracking over 19,000 items of space crap! Bringing me to my insanely genius point. Space is the new landfil! And why not? It's not like we have to look at it and it's not disturbing any fragile ecosystems or killing Spotted Owls. The worst you can say is that the mice on the space station might have an objection to flying litter, but who cares, their whole reason for being is a science experiment anyway, so flying litter might be a nice distraction from the zero gravity shock treatments and space lobotomies already being performed on their tiny little mice bodies.

Shooting trash into space is reasonable on so many levels. First, the stink goes with the trash, there's no stink in space, think about it. Second, no more landfills, and the only people that really effects are the Japanese who like to build airports on trash. Third, the premise is right inline with Obama's share the wealth ideology, or as Karl Marx put it, "From each according to their ability; to each according to their need." The Space Waste Elimination Redistribution Program, or SWERP, does exactly that. We, everyone living on the planet, are able to produce trash and will give it to Space who cannot produce trash on her own (meteors and asteroids don't count, don't argue, they just don't) and therefore has need for it, (yes Space is a woman, because it's dark, cold, and vapid, just kidding, it's really because she'll suck the life out of you in under 2 minutes if you aren't properly attired).

Trash is truely the only level playing field, absolutely everybody on earth has the ability to produce it, and does. The best part of SWERP is that because it's the redistribution of trash wealth it can be funded with bail out money, or with taxes, yeah! And it creates jobs, we are gonna need people to build and pack space trash pods and load trash rockets. It's a whole new industry. A sound solution to a growing problem that makes perfect economic sense.

Now in conjunction with this we need to think about how we're gonna clean up all the space crap that's already up there. I suggest a giant magnet or space net. Either of these things would work the only problem with the magnet is it will most likely attract satellites and The Space Station, which wouldn't be good. The net kind of has the same issue in that, like dolphins in tuna nets, it would catch things that aren't trash, like satellites and The Space Station. Another option is prisoners with butterfly nets and trash bags. We already have the prisoners and I'm sure butterfly nets could be easily aquired in mass, the trash bags are no problem. The one issue there is that space debris is usually traveling at speeds of over 1000 mph. It might tear through a butterfly net. So maybe prisoners with magnets? The details can be worked out later but it should definitely involve prisoners.

Not Ready for Prime Time

If Obama's just gonna read off of a big T.V. screen, why not skip to the chase and broadcast the T.V. screen? This solves a whole host of issues such as:

1. He doesn't have to break a sweat pretending to care about America.
2. It's less like lying if you read it.
3. Obama doesn't have to miss his favorite T.V. shows to give some boring speech about dumb stuff he doesn't really want to talk about any way.
4. Little kids can learn to read while getting brain washed.
5. Obama doesn't have to answer any icky questions from the mean old press.
6. It will prepare the public for the future of mandatory, daily mind cleansings.
7. Put the speech to John Williams Star Wars theme song, moving the text from foreground to background, and people might be lulled in to reading it, hoping that Star Wars is gonna start any minute. But then you should probably play Star Wars immediately following so people don't get pissed. That only works once.

Sticky Fail

Somewhere out there I'm sure there is a term for the exact moment in time when an effective process, great idea or all around awesome thing becomes the precise opposite of it's intended purpose, and begins to suck tremendously. Now I don't know what that term is, so I am going to make one up. The term will be called Sticky Fail, which actually segue's nicely into my point. I work in an office with computers and Microsoft Office and all that stuff that's designed to keep me efficient and productive. However, taking the time to learn how to use those programs is, in my opinion, a completely inefficient and unproductive waste of my time. So instead I use the Post It method of tracking and cataloging important pieces of information. My method is a simple and quick two step process, 1) if it's important for me to remember, I write it on a sticky, 2) then I take said sticky and put it where ever there is space on my desk. Unfortunately months of employing this simple method have resulted in Sticky Fail. I now have so many stickies plastered all over my desk they've become like visual "white noise." My eyes no longer register brightly colored little square shapes, but instead, my retinal sensors have become numb to the tiny paper assault of stationary neon cubes and subsequently require more aggressive stimulation to trigger a neural spark, such as airplanes or laser blasts. Anything short of a giant shiny flying object zipping past my window or a mushroom cloud hardly gets a sizzle of brain activity. My stickies are my enemies. They have no meaning. Add to that the fact that I no longer understand what the cryptic little messages, ironically constructed to save time, mean. So now, instead of having gentle little colorful reminders of all my important stuff, I've got an office full of hate squares, that when, actually having succeeded in being finally noticed, serve only to cement that dark feeling of dread preceding the realization that I just failed to do something SUPER important! But that's not even the saddest part. The saddest part is that I haven't come up with anything better to combat Sticky Fail. Suggestions are greatly appreciated unless they include any or all of the following:

1. If you actually worked, you wouldn't have time to mess with sticky's.
2. Hey moron, that's what the big calendar on your desk is for.
3. Clean off your desk once in a while and you might not have this problem.
4. You're fat, stop sitting around on your huge butt writing on post its and exercise!
5. Post its are bad for the environment, there bright irritating colors anger and confuse animals and homeless people. Plus, they're existence stomps a giant neon colored carbon foot print right on mother earth's heart. Bad, bad post its.
6. Only idiots use post its.

You're right, it's not fair

If you ever want to know if something is truly fair, ask a child, the younger the better. Young children have an innate ability to distinguish within a nano second if something is fair, more accurately, if it doesn't benefit them. I never cease to be amazed at how quickly they conclude my decision will screw them. As if the first one to call out "not fair" wins. Children force you to deal with this notion of "fair." You simply cannot avoid it. So since I am consistently being challenged on my idea of fairness, I decided to do a quick analysis to see if my "hope for the future" had a leg to stand on.

The definition of fair according to whatever dictionary google uses is as follows:

1. free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge.

Ok so this tells me nothing. With the exception of God, no one is perfectly fair. This doesn't however get me off the hook with my kids. They demand fairness, because they are under the impression, erroneously, that fair always benefits them, i.e. it's always good for them. But is this true? Is what's fair always what's good for them? The reflexive response would be, yes, what's fair must also, in all cases, be good. That's reasonable. It's not true, however, and a simple justice system scenario demonstrates the point. All criminal sentences are the same length of time, regardless of the crime, that's fair, according to the definition. It's unbiased by any circumstances of the crime, it's devoid of dishonest influences, and it can't be faulted for injustice, everyone is treated the same under the rules of fairness. Now, is that good? No, it's crap. It's a terrible ideology for exacting punishment and it doesn't work for parenting either.

Now, back to my kids. When my son informs me that it isn't fair that I get to stay up late and he doesn't, he is correct. It isn't fair. But it is good that he should go to bed before I do because he is still growing, needs his sleep and, more importantly, mommy can't relax until everyone is asleep.

This was a very productive parenting exercise. I discovered that I was right, which I already knew, but I needed to find the logic in the reasoning, because my oldest son requires an explanation that has more validity than "because I said so." An answer I think is very valid, but just frustrates him. Maybe I'll explore that concept next.

Mutiny On the Bottle

The books tell us to ween children off the bottle around one or so years old. I, as a knowledgeable member of the Speech Therapy community, know there is sound reasoning behind this rule of thumb, not the least of which is it aids in the general development of your child. So naturally I totally blew off that bit of wisdom and let my youngest, Jack, just suck away at that bottle till his little two year old heart's content! I'd like to say that there was some good reason behind the decision but the truth of the matter is I am lazy and I forgot. I was too busy to be bothered with weening, I may have even hoped he'd just chose to switch to a sippy cup. Never mind there is absolutely no precedence for a one year old demonstrating the maturity needed to rationally put away the bottle and self elect to evolve into becoming a sippy cup drinker. History has no impact on me, I'm totally unaffected by it. So I went along doing my thing, thinking I'm an okay parent, my kids are still living. It was a little after Jack's second birthday that my husband mentioned to me maybe we should start getting him off the bottle. My first thought, "Be my guest," then I murmured something, ignored the rest of what he said and pretended to agree with him. Awful yes, but, before you judge, the truth is I was already thinking about it and I knew it was time to start the switch, but after a seconds worth of thought, I decided it would be too hard and he would protest and it was just easier not to, and that's where I left it. Besides Suri, Katie Holmes daughter was about the same age and still using a bottle. So I felt a little better about neglecting my duties.

Moving right along to about three months after my husbands initial broaching of the bottle subject. I am taking my oldest son, Max, to the doctor for his school physical and I have the other two, Sofie and Jack, with me as well. The doctor is a very nice young woman who is about eight months pregnant. She does the physical and all is going along swimmingly until just before we are about to leave she turns to Jack (whose bottle is literally hanging from mouth) and asks, "How old are you?" I answer for him, it's hard to hear through his bottle. Then she looks at me and jumps right in with, "You know, he's a little too old to still be on the bottle." I answer politely, "Yes, I know. I am lazy and don't feel like fighting him on it." She replies sweetly, "You need to get him off the bottle, this kind of thing is prohibiting his development. He's not a baby and he needs to stop using a baby bottle." To add insult to injury she then advises, "It's best if you just take all of his bottles and throw them away all at once. Cold Turkey. Some parents find it's easier for the child if you tell them, 'an angel needs your bottles and is taking them away for other little kids who don't have them. Isn't that nice?'" Cute. I then made some comment about how clever that was, sounds great, yes I will try it, thanked her and left. The verbal tazing left me feeling like an idiot as I shuffled back to the car and loaded the kids. Then I reflexively filled Jack's bottle with juice and handed it to him. Well I wasn't gonna start right then.

In the car on the way home I began to talk to Jack about getting rid of his bottle. I told how he was a big boy now and he was going to get use a big boy sippy cup now, won't that be fun! H*** no, I'm paraphrasing, he didn't really say that. He did protest a lot and got very upset with me, almost crying, but not quite. My plan was failing, and fast. Trying to hold it together I needed a new tact. Just then Max asked, "Why are you taking away Jack's bottles?" GREAT! I'll have Max and Sofie help me. Good idea! "Because the doctor is right, Jack is a big boy and he needs to start using a sippy cup." Max, not missing a beat, replies, "No! You can't take away Jack's bottle, cuz then he'll be sad and he'll cry!" Sofie, adding to the gathering storm, chimes in, "Mommy don't take Jack's bottle away, he needs it for his juicey!" They're turning on me. I try to use sympathy, it's a nasty trick, but I was losing options, "Honey, you heard the doctor, she said Jack needs to stop using bottles. Mommy really needs your help with this, will you help mommy?" Max responds, "No I'm not gonna help you take away his bottle. The doctor is mean. He'll be sad if you do that." Sofie starts to cry, literally, "Mommy please don't take his bottle. Jack loves his bottle. He will be very sad if you take it!" ABORT ABORT ABORT Mission failed, the crew has taken over and mommy is no longer in control. New plan, agree with everything. "Sofie don't cry, mommy won't take his bottles today. It's okay. We can try later, maybe." I quick change the subject and take them to McDonald's and buy them all happy meals. Bullet dodged.

Now, I did not see that coming at all. I was totally unprepared for mutiny in the mini-van. My kids don't generally turn on me all at once like that. So what life lessons did I learn. I learned that raising kids is hard work and I usually like to avoid that. Also, know in advance who your allies are, know when to jump ship and give up, and McDonald's solves everything.

We did eventuall get Jack off the bottle. Next up, potty training. Which he is alread saying no to.

Puppies for Peace

I saw this photo and an ingenious plan began to develop. "Why not? Why not puppies for peace? Who doesn't love a puppy?" It's so simple, and, it solves two problems at once, 1) it takes care of all the unwanted puppies we have in our country, and 2) it creates a warm and fuzzy feelings between the U.S. our enemies all because of the beauty and goodness of puppy love.

So, not wanting to waste any time on my plan for world peace, I got the Air Force to agree to airlift all the puppies to Iraq. Once the puppies safely arrived in Iraq after 36 hours without food or water, our special forces prepared the puppies for their very important job of showering our enemies with puppy kisses and creating world peace. The puppies were then groomed and fed and a big red bow was put on each of them. They looked precious. An airman who tied the bows was quoted as saying, "They are so cute, how could those heartless bastards not love these little guys?" The Puppy War On Terror (PWOT) was under way. The puppies were then transported under the cover of night to the hideouts of known terrorists. The special forces unit were instructed to run up to the doors, leave the puppies on the door steps, ring the door bells and runaway unseen. Each puppy had a note attached that read,

Dear Terrorist Coward,
Here's a cute puppy,
let's be friends!

Love,
The U.S.

All the puppies were delivered without incident and I was thrilled that the world was finally going to be free of war and pain and suffering all because we are one people and we speak a common language called "puppy".

Unfortunately, this was not the case. The puppies, it turns out, were actually CIA operatives trained to kill terrorists, not love them, as I had been led to believe. Yeah, who knew puppies could kill? So once the puppies were delivered to their new owners, they were trained to kill anyone wearing a kaffiyeh, you might know it as that black and white checked scarf thing they wear on their heads. I was devastated when I heard Fox News report 146 of Al Qaeda's most deadly terrorists had been killed by my puppies. So instead of our country helping to bring about peace and harmony, we just ended up with a bunch of dead terrorists and some really lethal puppies, which the military is now sending to North Korea.

CAUTION: Children at Play Therapy

After lamenting about my children, a counselor friend of mine told me about the benefits of "Play Therapy". I am a speech therapist by degree, and after years of studying and doing therapeutic techniques that had fancy names but were so basic in principal it was hard to believe they got a patent for it I was immune to the sillyness of a therapy called "Play." The basic concept is play that is child directed, using simple toys, nothing fancy, blocks, wooden objects, sticks, anything that inspires imagination and promotes creativity. The object is to get the child to talk about their feelings, environment, what they think about, all the while you shut up and don't interrupt and if your daughter wants the dresser drawer to be a birdhouse you smile and say "great idea!" I was willing to give it a try and why not? It was play, I like to play. It was with my daughter, I love her. So what's the problem? Little did I know. There is a reason Psychologists use this technique to find stuff out, because it works! I had no idea that shutting up and letting her direct my play was going to be so INFORMATIVE.
So I get down on the ground and we begin to play with the dollhouse. It's a simple wooden dollhouse, check, with simple wooden toys, check, basic little animals, check, okay, everything is exactly as is should be. So I start by asking, "What should this little bear do?" She replies, "He can go here and sit in this room." Okay, "What should his friends do?" "They can sit with him and they can watch T.V." Okay so far so good, she's setting up a nice little party in the living room. "Okay, now what should we do?" Wait for it....... "You can stay here and babysit while I go out for a while. I'll be home at 3." BAM! Direct hit to the head! What was that? I was totally unprepared for that one. So I said, "Okay." And I sat in the room by myself and babysat her bear collection until she got back.
What did I learn? I learned that Play Therapy sometimes means your kids will tell you through play that YOU SUCK. It also taught me not to ask questions I don't really want the answers to. But more importantly, and I really do think this is the point, don't ever put yourself in a position to hear the truth from your children. Statistically they are 100% guaranteed to be messed up in some way shape or form. Just leave them alone, let them collect their baggage normally and then send them to counseling using the "Children s Counseling Fund" you started on their first birthday. Really, just don't meddle in your children's play. Ever.

Steyn Rocks! (and rolls)

Mark Steyn's article in NRO "ROCK'N'ROLL GOVERNMENT " addresses the all too problematic reality faced by both young and aging rock stars alike, what to rebel against? I thought they would have long since solved this problem after Clinton's two terms. Hard core rockers like Streisand and Fleetwood Mac were so jubilant at the prospect of a Dem in the White House they stopped their 879 city mega tours to sing at the Inauguration. I kid. Streisand's doesn't do tours. Every now and then she will grace the Democractic National Convention with her presence or she'll do a private show to fund raise for one of Clinton's legal funds, but she doesn't tour. Back to my point. Yes what will the rocker establishment do now? They've got their man. They have one of two options, as I see it, they can a) start singing about how awesome Obama is, with songs like, and I'm just spitballing here, "If I had Obama, I'd Obama in the mor...or..ning, I'd Obama in the evening, all over this land... I'd Obama out danger, I'd Obama out war.. ar..ning, I'd Obama out love between my brother's and my sister's aaaalll.. over this la...a...a..nd." Or, possilby, "You say you want Obamalution, well you know, he's gonna save the world," You see where I'm going with this, it's almost like the songs were written low these many years ago, to one day be re-written for Obama. Watch how well they work, "I am a woman in love with Obama, And I'd do anything to get you into the White House, It's the right, I destest, over and over again, They're gonna get screwed.." See it works perfectly. Or they can b) still gripe over the minority of Republicans who are still saavy enough to stop bad legislation from being passed (I'm speaking hypothetically here, I have not yet verified these mythological Republicans even exist), those songs might sound something like this, "You don't pay my health care, you don't buy my cable..." Or maybe, "Wouldn't it be nice if no more Republicans, ever held an office in this land, wouldn't it be nice if they would go away, and let us pass our socialist bills yeah, then the people would think we were awesome, they'd keep on voting for us in eeeeeeeevery election, then we'd have all the power..." You kind of have to use your imagination but it's not that far off. My only hope is that these poor formerly tortured souls can finally find peace and shut the hell up about how bad off the rest of the world is while they waste far away from anything that even remotely smacks of poverty. But, that's probably not a hope I can believe in.

Why Running is Awesome

1. If you're fat it makes you not fat.
   
2. You can run by people who are walking and know you're better than they are.
3. If you are being chased by a lion, you'll probably still die, but you'll last a lot longer than the guy who was walking.
4. You get to annoy people with boring stories about how many miles you ran over the weekend and how sore your muscles are.  Co-workers love to hear that kind of stuff.
5. It's impressive to turn down an invitation somewhere because you have to go run.
6. Firm butt.
7. People will automatically think more highly of you, not like that tool down the hall who bowls.
   
8. Running is also an emergency procedure.  Ex:  You're being chased, which skill do you want honed?  Running, or Badminton?  
   
9. You look cool listening to your IPOD while you run.
10. Firm butt.

10 Things W and I Have In Common

1. Great hair
2. Making snakes is our favorite thing to do with playdough
3. We both voted for Bush in '04
4. We both have an amazing capacitization for creating words on the spot when a suitable one doesn't exist.
5. We are both left handed (unverified)
6. We are both our parents favorite
7. Unicorns

8. Neither one of us made Valerie Plame's christmas card list
9. We both think the U.N. is a stupid waste of taxpayers dollars going to a bunch of ungrateful nations who would just as soon step over our dead bodies as lift a finger to help themselves
10. We don't mess with Texas

11. We think guns make nice gifts

12. We believe in UFO's and know the Air Force keeps lying about them

13. We both use the word "neato" 

14. We think terrorists should die, preferably a horrible death if there's a choice

15. We both speak spanish, he speaks it fluently, I speak it at Taco Bell and other fine Mexican Restaurants

Give the Girl a Break, Numbers are Hard!

I know a lot has been made about Nancy Pelosi's number gaff , the one where she passionately states that if congress doesn't pass the stimulus package 500 million Americans will lose their jobs every month. Okay, so obviously Ms. Pelosi hasn't seen the most recent U.S. census data. That's not the point. Numbers are hard. They are everywhere. Sometimes there is more than one of them, like 34. I mean, we're expected to remember all kinds of things, like phone numbers, street addresses, our mother's birthday, the number of kids we have. It's madness the amount of numbers we are forcibly forced to memorize. So in Ms. Pelosi's defense, she really can't be expected to keep track of large numbers. A staffer should probably be hired to do that kind of thing. A number keeper tracker ofer. That way she can focus on important things like improving the congressional approval rating. Ooops, wait that's a number too. Which would explain why she hasn't managed that one well either. Ok, she should just stay away from numbers. That's the safest thing for her and the 500 million Americans who just lost their jobs.

"Please type the following"

Am I the only one who has trouble reading the security encrypted code things you have to type at the end of every internet transaction? I swear I saw an omega sign in one of them. Where is THAT on my keyboard? This could just be me, and I realize that we need to keep things secure so that twelve year old Chinese hackers don't steal our identities but when the letter and numbers I'm supposed to type start looking like a Rorschach test I begin to feel like it's just intentionally difficult.

Fire the Nanny (state)

Let us reflect for a moment on a movie classic, Mary Poppins. The consummate Nanny if ever there was one. Ms. Poppins was everything young Jane and Michael Banks needed. She was punctual, well proportioned, prepared for any eventuality, caring health care provider, kind to the less fortunate (I’m of course referring to her association with Dick Van Dyke’s character Bert, the chimney sweep), nice singing voice, and she could fly. These are all quite wonderful attributes for a Nanny, anyone would agree. What modern mother or father wouldn’t want a Nanny who can pull a lamp out of her hand bag? Marketable skill if you need a lamp. Now, recall if you will why young Jane and Michael needed the Nanny. Agreed, there is the unfortunate fact that the former Nanny quit, but it’s more than just that. Well then perhaps they required a Nanny because that's just what the British do. I digress. Back to the question at hand, why did Jane and Michael have need for a Nanny? Simply put, they were too young to take care of themselves. They hadn’t the maturity or knowledge to navigate the complex, confusing and sometimes dangerous lessons of life. Ms. Poppins was there to ensure that they safely arrived at adulthood. She was preparing them to become productive, independent and personally responsible members of society. These are wonderful things to instill in a child. As a parent, this is my role and responsibility to my own children, to raise them so they can leave my home and become gainfully employed one day. I have young children so I can make that statement without the pang of a soon to be recognized reality. It is good for Mary Poppins to dutifully care for her two young wards. It is sweet because they are young and helpless; it’s not so sweet however, when they are fully capable adults. Let us now look at what happens when Mary Poppins is charged with caring for Tina and Danny, all their children, cousins, overweight, underweight, short, tall, ugly, pretty, stupid, and smart neighbors. The image of the once attractive young governess is marred by the reality of what has turned into government babysitting. You should be disturbed by this image. But why should you be so bothered? Because at the base of your soul you know this model is wrong and ineffective. You know that regardless of what legislatures think about the food you eat, or your disgusting smoking habit, how much red meat you consume, or neutering your puppy, at the end of the day you are responsible for how you behave and the decisions you make. So why do some people tolerate the government coming in and babysitting them? I would first argue they have no shame, but that maybe to simple and incomplete an answer. A better and probably more accurate answer is that government oversight into their lives allows them to be victims of their own devising. “I’m fat because I eat too many trans-fatty acids, which are bad for me because Mayor Bloomberg says they are.” “I’m not responsible, McDonalds’s dollar value meals are.” “I can’t stop smoking because it’s addictive and the cigarette company’s tricked me by making it so attractive on billboards and Hollywood films. Never mind that I threw up the first seven times I tried smoking, eventually after all the puking and coughing I became addicted and my body craved the nicotine. It’s not my fault!”

All humor aside, there is something going on here that is more insidious than the government just babysitting victims. There is the purposeful sustainment of victimhood by the very institutions that purport to protect these "victims". One can argue otherwise, however, the fact of the matter is that history, statistics, research, and good old fashion observation suggests that this is indeed exactly what happens when the government steps in and Nanny’s the masses. People give up their right to choose and simply accept their condition. Their hope for self-control and discipline is supplanted by government regulations that dictate how they will think and behave.

I’m quite sure this is not the world Disney envisioned when he gave us Mary Poppins. In all his creative fancy he never conceived of Ms. Poppins lecturing grown men on the evils of smoking, or red meat. That could be because Disney smoked and ate red meat. Don’t quote me on that, I don’t know that for a fact. Whether he did or not is irrelevant, what is relevant is that he still had the choice. I do believe that if fifty years ago Disney were asked what he thought of a Nanny State that regulated and controlled targeted populations of people it deemed at risk, and products it deemed harmful, he would without hesitation tell you to fire the Nanny.